Monday, December 22, 2008

Todays guest poster: Andrea Gavin!! Andrea writes:

It's official. The decorative wine bag is the new fruit cake.

Want to guest post? Add your insight, quip or anecdote in the comments section.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

One in three toys is toxic?

After reading this, I decided I would no longer tell my son to stop picking his nose. It just might be the safest place to put his fingers.

Gas prices have fallen from $4.11 to $1.56 in 77 days.

Obama might not be The Savior, but I'm now pretty sure God is a Democrat.

Monday, November 24, 2008

I want to understand exactly where the $800 billion for the bailout came from.

I asked someone and they said it came from me. This makes me nervous. I imagine filling out my tax form in April.

44. Take the amount from line 43 and add $800,000,000,000...........................................______________

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I'm all hopped up on Zumba this morning!

Zumba is an aerobics class in which I basically flail around and try to shake my extra body parts as much as possible. As opposed to other aerobics classes where I flail around and try not to let that happen.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Over the next few years

I hope conservative minds will realize and liberal minds will remember that disagreeing with the leadership of your country does not mean you do not love your country. In fact, sometimes it means you love your country even more.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Monday, November 3, 2008

The future of this country will not be decided by who wins tomorrow, but by who votes tomorrow.

The world is in turmoil. Tomorrow we will send a message around the globe. It will either be, "Whatever" or "We're on it."
I don't care who you are voting for, just VOTE! We are way, way better than 57%.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." - Marianne Williamson

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

That's it. I'm officially changing LOL to HAHAHA.

And, henceforth, ROFL will be known as HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

And if you are laughing so hard you can't even control your muscles, thats: ALSFJAILWHFGA;IDHF;ADSIGALJGOUJFV;GABSDZ. ALIHFOAW GY8W .

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I don't like to judge people at first sight.

But can we get a vote on the middle-aged guy at the hotel pool in the tiny bathing suit that said HARVARD across his butt?

Friday, September 19, 2008

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Portion sizes keep getting bigger, but those ketchup packages remain the same size.

I think Heinz is trying to tell America something.

Andrea is obsessed with small ketchup packets. That is whence this post was born.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Linda Thomas, RN: Today is your day!!!

Hi Linda Thomas, RN! This is your day! I don't know you and you don't know me, but I'm sure there is a Linda Thomas, RN out there somewhere. And someday you will Google yourself, Linda Thomas, RN and you will find this blog. If you are a nurse you work very hard so today this blog is dedicated to you! Yeay, Linda Thomas, RN! This blog is for you!!!!

Friday, August 8, 2008

This string hanging down from the wall in your hospital room's bathroom is an emergency call string, not an "old fashioned toilet flusher."

You might want to remind your 8-year old of this several times if he is ever in the hospital for a week.

(Thanks for checking in on my week hiatus. I was in the hospital with my son. He was diagnosed with Lyme, but we're home and on the road to recovery!)

Monday, July 28, 2008

Important information you may need someday.

If you ever pull your refrigerator out to clean underneath it and you happen to puncture the copper wire that delivers water to the ice maker and water starts shooting all over your kitchen like an open fire hydrant on a hot day in Brooklyn, duct tape will not stop the flow of water so do not waste ten minutes trying to make it work. Especially if you have wood floors. There is probably a shut off valve somewhere in your basement that will stop the flow of water with a simple turn of a knob. It is good to know this important tip BEFORE you need it. 

Friday, July 25, 2008

It's that time again: What people Googled to get to my blog.

Am I the only one who finds it interesting to see what people Google? Before you answer, read on:

homeless looking sweatshirt
macbook air conga line
i hate cat bumper sticker
real life size characters
if you feel you are only one human in this world
what sytle underwear am I
the shortest marriage in the world
how to put on a thong
what is organ donation and why is it used
smell like downy
this is hell and i am the devil
mylie cyrus thong
i think i love mylie cyrus
i've always wanted one of those
election year prom themes
pee my thong

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

This is your last chance!

That sentence is hardly ever true.

I get very uncomfortable watching tv show characters dance.

Slow dancing is okay. But please, tv show writers, unless your show stars Jennifer Beals (and you know who you are) please leave out the dancing scenes. It's awkward for everyone.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Advertising themes through the decades.

The 80's:  You deserve it!
The 90's:  You're always on the go!
The 00's:  There's never been a better time...

Monday, July 7, 2008

Monday, June 30, 2008

Monday, June 23, 2008

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My goal is that eventually whatever you Google, you get to theshortestblogintheworld. Here are the latest Google entries that brought you here.

Welcome new readers. And thanks for Googling:
another word for impatient
shortest Catcher in the Rye notes
vote for prom king sayings
shortest lady in the world
hangman with words for six year old
tattoo cats
i want to read a blog
things people googled
how far should printer be from your desk
people who feel weird
"old lover" pregnant
"shut the #%^ up when you're talking to me"
shortest mother in the world
i wish i was there to help quotes
fellow countrymen definition
flies or fly which came first
was Tim Russert an organ donor

Monday, June 16, 2008

Ah, it's crazy...

Four handy syllables silently agreed on by the "36 and over" masses to be an acceptable end to any conversation deemed not going anywhere.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Forget economic stimulus packages, let's legalize gay marriage!

California is expecting a $684 million boost to its economy thanks to upcoming same-sex marriages. Let's ensure economic stability and human rights with one fell swoop. Go America!

Saturday, June 7, 2008

I've never utilized anything.

I use things. I like using things. I don't think utilizing anything would be fun. 

Nobody ever utilizes a water balloon.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Do you read my blog?

I'd like to know how many people read my blog, but I'm not very technical. I did sign up for sitemeter which tells me how many hits I get each day, but I don't now how many different people those hits represent. So, if you read can you just yell out, "I DO!" and I'll count you all up.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Turns out, idle hands are not the devil's workshop.

Idling cars are. If you're going to be sitting more than 10 seconds, turn off the engine!

Did you know that for every two minutes you spend idling you use the same amount of fuel as one mile driving? Read on!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

"Correct me if I'm wrong."

Why do people say this? Is there really a shortage of people who will do the job voluntarily?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I feel weird when store clerks compliment clothing I'm about to pay for.

I'm not sure whether to say "thank you" because technically, at that point, the clothing is still theirs.

Monday, May 19, 2008

The DVR remote control has done wonders for spousal relations.

Kudos to the system that brought back seat driving into the living room. 
Stop. Stop! STOP! STOP!!!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Where's the shadow's shadow?

The centrifugal force of Space Mountain may have sucked mine out, but at least it left my 6-year old's brain intact.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Friday, May 2, 2008

I think the Miley Cyrus photo is gorgeous.

The 15-year-old calling Annie Leibovitz "cute" was shocking, inappropriate and disturbing.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Suzy Bogguss just tried to sell me a neti pot on TV.

It seems to be some odd device with which organic types perform waterboarding on themselves. I think I'll just stick with letting the Dr. Pepper go up my nose.

Monday, April 21, 2008

I like The Sign of Peace at church.

It gives me an excellent opportunity to turn around and gauge how likely the people behind me are to call DSS on me as soon as they get home.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Step 1. Put down the instruction manual.

I've heard it said that the world is evolving so quickly that if you stop to read instructions, what you are trying to learn will be outdated by the time you finish reading.

This is exactly why I don't think everybody has to go to college.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

When my 8yo son told me over breakfast that he knew what sex was, there were many appropriate responses:

 1. Where did you learn about that?
2. How do you feel about it?
3. Do you have any questions?

Me? I chose:
4. Well, don't tell your brother.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Never let them put the printer near your desk.

No matter what your title (art director, head of catering, CFO), if you sit near the printer people will ask for help with it. It's as if they think proximity gives you printer wisdom. As if, while the rest of the office toils in isolation, the printer is silently sending you the untold secrets of the printing world.

I know. I'm one of those people. Where's the 11 x 17 paper?

Thursday, April 3, 2008

It's Good People Day 2008! (click for details)

And I'm honoring Max Pfennighaus at Digital Influence Group! Besides being an all-around great guy, he was the first to send my blog to a bunch of Social Marketing people thus garnering me the first followers who weren't my mom. Thanks, Max! And happy Good People Day! (And thanks to Michelle for sending it to Max. You rock, too!)

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

You invent it. I'll promote it.

I'm starting a new feature on this blog. If you invent the products of my dreams for me, I will promote them on my blog for you.

Today's product: Face Spray.
Like hairspray only it keeps your makeup in place. (Even on the windiest of days!)

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

It's time once again for: What People Googled to Get to my Blog.

Welcome to you who Googled:

Picket signs sayings
If you could spend a day with somebody, who would it be
You should Google yourself
I don't want to die blogs
Who needs Waldo
Clever sayings for bathroom walls

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Tattoos are like cats.

Having one or two shows character. More than that and you're just asking for an intervention.

Thursday, March 27, 2008


It's the one year anniversary since my very first post. Thank you all for reading! Thank you all for commenting! I don't always answer your comments, in keeping with the theme of the blog, but I read and love every one of them. AND A VERY SPECIAL THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS LINKED YOUR BLOG TO MINE! Thank you:
and all of you who mentioned me on twitter!
(If I left you out, please remind me. I'm not good at keeping track of this stuff!)

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Up with hineys!

Down with a terrible cold, I literally blew through every tissue in the house. Substituting with tp, I was shocked to realize how not-as-soft-as-our-facial-tissues our tp is! Unfair to hineys! Now I'm on a pro-hiney campaign. Please remember hiney rights in your home.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

What if this is hell?

You have to sit in a room and listen to every word you said while you where alive.

Monday, February 25, 2008

I'm recycling paper breasts.

I bought some bras off of When they arrived the cups were stuffed with paper breasts. 
I had already bought the bras. No further seduction was necessary. 

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Facebook and the answering machine.

A friend said he will not join Facebook or anything like it because, "If I want to get in touch with someone, I'll just email them." This reminded me of my father once saying, "If it's important, they'll call back." 

Thursday, February 14, 2008

"Going Oprah on your ass!" You heard it here first.

Like "going postal" only "going Oprah" refers to pummeling someone with tales of spiritual optimism and assurance that the universe is aligning to make you the best darn you you can be. Having someone "go postal" or "go Oprah" on you can be equally as traumatic.

ex: "When I told my sister about getting towed the same day I found out my husband had run away with the mailman and "Friday Night Lights" was being cancelled, I really just wanted to split a bottle of Jack Daniels. Instead she went all Oprah on my ass!"

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Friday, February 8, 2008

I think that every election year we should also have a United States Prom and vote for a king and queen of The Prom.

And then the newspaper could tell me who Jennifer Anniston and Chuck Norris want to vote for for Prom King and Prom Queen. This is only one of the benefits of this great plan.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Welcome, New Readers! Here's the newest list of interesting things people have Googled and ended up at this blog:

what does it mean when he says "I don't deserve you" (editor's note: It means exactly what you think it means.)
david wilson's blog
clever sayings for pretzels
im men let us talko
nother, not a word
I don't want to be loved (editor's note: I got this multiple times. Sad. Cheer up, people!)
"maybe i wouldn't"
lol confession
david wilson
shortest twins on mopeds
writers strike picket sign sayings
met with my ex at the shop but he was so cold
why I'm voting for edwards
bukowski died
how to conga line dance
diagrams of a cow
husband thinks I'm paranoid no sex
whom may I say

Friday, January 18, 2008

And now a word from my mother via email.

Amy, I tried to make a comment on your blog but "google" said I already had an account but I don't know the password. So, now a half hour later, I just wanted to say it's Who may I say is calling? , because "who" is subject of the verb "is" , therefore, nominative case. In the other sentence "whom" is correct because it is object of the preposition "for", therefore, objective case.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

"For Whom the Bell Tolls" and "Whom may I say is calling?" Otherwise it's 'who.'

This grammatical advice comes from my friend Sheila, who I know is right because she designs children's textbooks.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I like the airplanes I fly in to be perfect.

If my window shade is broken or magazine pocket is frayed, I wonder what else on the plane has seen better days.
That's why I love airplane bathrooms. I love how they are designed so the light comes on only if you lock the door, ensuring that you'll never forget to lock it. And even if you do forget and someone opens the door, the light is off! The shadow of darkness shields your dignity! Whenever I'm tinkling 35,000 feet over this great Earth I find myself hoping the engines, instrument panels and landing gear were designed with such great forethought.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Wednesday, January 2, 2008