Wednesday, January 25, 2012
My 10yo son this morning: "I usually just look at something quickly and see what I think I'm going to see. Then I move on."
I think I'm raising the first truly honest man.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Just discovered the grocery store on the night before Thanksgiving would be a great place to be if I were not married.
The place is swarming with men single enough not to have someone telling them to make the pie earlier, yet wise enough not to show up for Thanksgiving dinner with their hands hanging.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Today, as I was driving, I saw an old man with two kids in a double stroller.
He was sitting on a wall in front of the kids huffing and puffing. I pulled over fearing the worst, ready to call 911. As I got closer I realized he was blowing the seeds off a dandelion.
What a difference a moment can make.
What a difference a moment can make.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Never call an audible on your undergarments, ladies.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Woke up from my colonoscopy hearing the nurses talk about how cute my husband was.
When I got to the waiting room, I realized the average age of the competition was 87.
(Still, he is a hottie.)
(Still, he is a hottie.)
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Homonyms can be dangerous.
Acupuncturist: I'm going to put the needles right into your sole.
Me: WHAT?? MY SOUL??
Acupuncturist: Don't worry, they're tiny needles and I do it right up by the toes.
Me: WHAT?? MY SOUL??
Acupuncturist: Don't worry, they're tiny needles and I do it right up by the toes.
Monday, September 12, 2011
I now have one in 4th grade and the other starting middle school.
I think I'm having a mid-school crisis.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
After 4 months of dealing with the cable company, I now know why women sometimes sleep with the cable guy.
They are not desperate housewives. They're just so happy their HBO finally works.
(Disclaimer: I did NOT sleep with the cable guy. I mean, I'd have to see the HBO keep working for at least a week.)
(Disclaimer: I did NOT sleep with the cable guy. I mean, I'd have to see the HBO keep working for at least a week.)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Today I saw a woman driving a Prius throw a cigarette out her window.
I am too confused by this to even comment.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Today was a Pompeii day.
My husband will come home to unmade beds. Bread still in the toaster. Half glasses of milk on the counter.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Those buttons to get the walk signals at street corners are like slot machines. It's so hard to know when to walk away.
And I always find myself looking back to see if it finally hit.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
From my 11 yo, at the mall on Mother's Day.
"It would be funny if there were a big chair set up and people lined up to sit on a mom's lap and get their picture taken."
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
I just read about a doctor retiring and I couldn't help thinking about the doctor's last patient.
I would definitely get a second opinion.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
All these day I've been too busy to exercise. Finally I got the chance this morning.
Turns out I don't like to exercise.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I wonder what percentage of all content in autobiographies is true.
And is it higher or lower than the percentage of content shared with therapists that's true?
Monday, March 14, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I love the whole country just somehow knows that #2 means, you know, #2.
It's the one thing we can all come together on. It never has to be made official or taught by anyone. Total harmony. That's why, when people say "Sh** happens," I assume they are talking about Americans uniting in harmonious agreement.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
This is me guest blogging on another site.
Right here.
But I swear, my job is not as easy as it sounds.
It's as fun as it sounds, but not as easy as it sounds.
But I swear, my job is not as easy as it sounds.
It's as fun as it sounds, but not as easy as it sounds.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I just found a little green worm in my cereal. No longer hungry.
I guess this is what the universe does to you if you don't start your diet by January 4th.
Monday, January 3, 2011
On New Year's Eve in a pub in Fairfield, OH, I had my makeup done by Candy who used to be a makeup artist but now works on the base to make more money
It's always a good idea to drive across the country.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
The sherrif's department just came to serve an eviction notice to a person who does not live here.
My very first thought was, "Wow, is he under here somewhere?"
Monday, December 13, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Coming back from Canada, I almost got fined $5000 for accidentally driving through the wrong check booth at US Customs and Border Control.
I'm not asking for bigger government. Just a government with bigger signs.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
If you stick your head into the washing machine as it's filling it sounds like a magnificent waterfall.
It probably helps if you are really tired at the time.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Know what happens when you accidentally arrive at the mall an hour before it opens with your 8 year old? You park right next to Santa.
Who knew Santa drove a red Hyundai? Or smoked?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
As soon as I had kids my marriage turned into a game of chicken.
Who will move first on the towering laundry? The uncooked dinner? The mysterious odor?
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Those people in the John Hancock commercials should just pick up the phone and call each other.
They are all one step away from separate bathtubs.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Marriage is awesome. And I mean that 100% sarcastically and 100% sincerely all at the same time.
And, by the way, I have the best husband in the whole wide world. (I mean that sincerely.) And today is our 14th anniversary.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
I think it's ironic that I don't know what the inside of my nose smells like.
I'm sure it has an odor that I am just so accustomed to I no longer notice.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Does British Airways save money by not having to have a human deliver the message every time they are about to crash into the sea?
I find myself wondering how many takes they did on this recording.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Why isn't combobulated a word? What can't there be moments when everything comes together and makes total sense?
How can there be a 'dis' version of a non-word? I would like that word.
Friend: Amy, how did that project turn out?
Amy: Oh, it was fantastic. At first things were hectic and unorganized, but just in time everything became combobulated.
Friend: That's great! And, by the way, here's a million dollars.
Friend: Amy, how did that project turn out?
Amy: Oh, it was fantastic. At first things were hectic and unorganized, but just in time everything became combobulated.
Friend: That's great! And, by the way, here's a million dollars.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
I could do without the "ifty" words. Thrifty. Nifty. Fifty-fifty.
"Shifty" is the only word from this category with any redeeming value.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
As I walked into the airport terminal he jumped out of the car, ran to me and hugged me as if he never wanted to let go.
It was just like in the movies. Except he was eight.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Just got back from an amazing vacation in the middle of Maine where people really know what the important things in life are.
Hint: New cars and new shoes are not two of them.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Maine.
Every time I visit a new state, I like this country even more.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Maine.
Every time I visit a new state, I like this country even more.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
I am blogging at 35,000 feet on American Airlines and still I want it to be free. What is wrong with me?
When my parents were kids they had to blog uphill both ways.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I think the whole idea of black holes was invented by super smart people to freak the rest of us out.
It is their way of getting revenge for taking so much abuse in school. If you listen to the description of a black hole it was obviously thought of by someone as they were receiving a good, old-fashioned swirly.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Yesterday I turned 43 and finally became mature enough not to pillage all the shampoos, lotions, soaps and note pads from the hotel room.
Well, I almost became mature enough not to do that. Almost.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
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