"Freaking" is the training bra of swears.

Taking it out of my kids' vocabulary.

I'm convinced the internet was invented by Ritalin. Nice job, guys.

When automatic sinks don't work immediately when I put my hands under the faucet, I momentarily question whether I actually exist.

Happy Halloween!

(Knock, Knock. I open the door.)
Voice: It's someone you know!
Me: Who is it?
Voice: It's your son! (I know it's my son. He's not wearing a mask or anything.)
Me: How do I know it's my son and not someone dressed up as my son?
Voice: It's really me! Touch my face! See?

And I silently vow to be more like an 8-year old in my heart.

"So I told my husband 400 random strippers is way better than one special one."

This is not the sentence to be saying when you're talking a little too loud and the restaurant suddenly gets very quiet. Don't ask me how I know this.

I'm pretty sure that in my past life I was Pavlov's dog.

I know the placebo effect does not work for weight loss because I truly believe, with 100% certainty, that I should be a size 4.

After 20 years of living in Boston, I finally became a New Englander. I bought skis!

Great new/used sale at the town lift:

New Rossingnol skis: $229
Bindings: $0
Helmet, goggles and poles: $55
Never having to tell the ski rental guy my weight again: priceless

There's a reason God made women have to sit down to pee.

I think he knew how tired we'd be. Thanks for the 37-second break, Dude!

The person who named the manhole really didn't overthink that one.

I am going to try to be more like the manhole namer today.

College now costs $40k a year. I think I'd rather just give my kids $160K and a 4-year head start.

That is, if I had $160.

I bought my car the same month I had my first child.

Here is a valet parking attendant's report on any scratches, dents or object missing from my car. I'm happy to report the kid is in much better shape.

Sometimes I worry that the fires of hell are fueled with the paper I waste creating advertising.

They say when you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life.

I say when you do what you really, really love you'll work days, nights, weekends, on your commute, in the shower, while you're on the treadmill and sometimes even in your sleep.

Sorry I haven't updated lately. For me it goes: kids, work, blog. For the past eight weeks I've been pretty wrapped up with the first two.

The only problem with an alarm clock that wakes you to the sounds of nature is that you get conditioned to wake to the sounds of nature.

Birds chirp at 5:50 am. And now I'm a morning person.

Life is what happens while your mother is holding the video camera sideways.

Sorry, dear.

I always feel sad when I notice a fly has gotten caught in my car. Especially if I'm on a long trip.

Now I've relocated a fly. When we get out he'll have to make all new friends. Find a new family. Get a new job. And he's only got 2 to 4 weeks to do it.

Today, Kat Jaibur guest posts. Thanks, Kat!

.
I felt bad because I had no Gmail. Then I met a man who had no Twitter.

(Follow Kat at @katjaib)

Dropped the kids off for the first day of school: no new shoes, no haircuts, forgot to tell them what classrooms they're in.

But I swear they were MENTALLY prepared.

Yesterday I was sitting with a friend on my deck when he got pooped on by a passing bird.

I couldn't help but marvel at how free it must feel to be a bird.

As I drop my mother off at the airport after a three-day visit she says, "Amy, you look so pretty. Much prettier than when we arrived."

Ah, it's good to be the daughter of an Irish woman.

And I couldn't love her any more! :)

10 effective numbers for starting blog headlines.

1. 10

2. 12

3. 7

4. 8

5. 5

6. 15

7. 9

8. 18

9. 50

10. 6

Things that come to me while vacationing in Maine: Receiving the gift of naming a star would be pretty romantic.

Receiving the gift of naming all the stars would be a total pain in the ass.

I was not enthusiastic about this restaurant feeling the need to add more clarification.

Yes, they added "with soap".

I'm not sure they chose the right name.

When you lose your keys as often as I do, every day is like Easter morning.

Just thought I'd go for a new take on the situation.

"Life is between the trapeze bars." -Unknown

I love this quote, but it haunts me that the author is unknown. Did he fall before anyone got his name?

I don't know who's aging faster, my kids or Barack Obama.

I know a few adults who actually like Where's Waldo.

These are obviously people who do not lose their keys as often as I do.

I do not look forward to voice activated television.

"American Idol"

"Sports Center"

"American IDOL"

"SPORTS CENTER!!"

"AMERICAN IDOL!!!!"

"SPORTS!!!!!! CENTER!!!!!!"

"AMERICAN!!!!!! IDOL!!!!!!!!!!!"

Aren't they all?

There are Starbucks people and there are Dunkin' Donuts people. And then there are people who eat their Dunkin' Donuts in Starbucks.

Nicely done, man and his son with a table full of Dunkin' in Starbucks this morning! Never before have I had so much respect for people eating Eggwhite Flatbread Sandwiches.

There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a great one.

Today's guest blogger is Jenn Kelly. She left us this week waaaaay too soon. An amazing person, you might have read some of her comments on this blog.

I just ran into this quote from her in an email. This was the kind of thing she passed along all the time. She changed the world just by being her.

We'll miss you Jenn.

I am trying to control my control freak tendencies.

You can see where a problem might arise.

I like going to Boloco because when you finish your drink you can eat your cup.

Of course, then you're thirsty again.

Everytime you use two exclamation points an angel loses its wings.

Totally kidding!!

Today would have been my grandmother's 100th birthday.

She was an amazing woman. Her patience lasted through many games of Crazy 8's with a singing 8 year old. Her arthritic hands never tired of scratching little backs. And her hair was the color of an Entenmann's crumb cake. You would have liked her.

Is there such a thing as passive assertive?

My physical therapist taped my knee caps in place and today I am pain free for the first time in 20 years!

Good news: I am pain free.
Bad news: I am being held together by tape.

How can I have lived on this Earth for 42 years and still not be sure if I'm supposed to tip on a take out order?

I keep thinking if they just got in the same bathtub they might not need the Cialis.

You could sell wine for $79 a glass in an MRI waiting room.

Maybe we needed this recession. I mean, when a society starts drinking soup right out of the can you know it's time to slow things down a bit.

I love when the library has "Forgiveness Day". You get to turn in books you forgot to return years ago and they waive the fines.

I wish rental car companies had that.

Why am I saving this receipt that says my mammogram showed no abnormalities?

Do I think I can turn it in for proof if I ever get diagnosed with breast cancer?

Note added later: I know some people think some of my posts are funny. Sometimes they're just my thoughts. This post was not meant to be funny. I thought it was important for you to know that. Thanks for reading.

My 9yo is practicing his oral report in front of the family. I tell him that imagining the audience in their underwear can make you less nervous.

His brother immediately strips down to his underwear. What a thoughtful audience.

Why do I feel guilty when I go to a garage sale and leave without buying anything?

I mean, they didn't want that crap either.

My husband and I were just debating who we'd rather have dinner with: Ben Franklin or John Adams?

Marriage is so hot.

"Does anyone need a map in another language?" she asked in English.

GODBLEH!

Whenever I hear one of those half sneezes, my mind always thinks a half blessing.

I think you should get to re-register for stuff after you've been married twelve years.

My salad spinner is trashed.

I like seeing those joggers who look like they're being chased.

I always wonder if they live their whole life that way.

My 7 year old cries for 20 heartbreaking minutes every time he loses a baby tooth.

I think he understands.

I remembered that I left my husband's sunroof open halfway through the storm.

So is the car half empty or half full?



Note: My husband ran out in the rain in his socks, dried out his car and was very nice about it. So I guess it's half full.

Me (to my 9yo): Life is good, isn't it?

My 9yo: I'm not sure so I just trust the t-shirts.
.

Sometimes I like when I'm out and about without my kids. I get to push all the buttons.

What if we found out that "Eve" was actually the Hebrew word for "Steve"?

Just saw a preview for the new movie, "Partly Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs."

Where the Wild Things Are
Harry Potter
Charlotte's Web
Curious George
The Spiderwick Chronicles
Tale of Despereaux
Twilight
Bridge to Terabithia

I feel so relieved that children will never be burdened by having to read again.

The name tag of the 21st Century.

Watching Bruce Springsteen perform it became more clear than ever.

We should all make sure we are spending our days doing what we love.

Will stick to drawing Tippy the Turtle.

Drawing the pirate just seems awkward at this point.

Reading a book about Frank Lloyd Wright.

So far he is not nearly as likable as his work.

The treadmill I plug my headphones into kept shocking me. I finally found out it was because the rubber things around my old headphones were worn off.

And here I was running faster and faster for nothing.

An amazing new promotion for GM car buyers.

If you buy a car from GM and then lose your job within the next 24 months, you get to run GM.

Subway's "Five! Five Dollar Foot Long!" bit would not work for restaurants like The Cheesecake Factory.

"Seven! Seven dollar slice of cheesecake!" just doesn't have the same ring.

I can see it now. Firemen carrying my children out of my burning house.

My kids telling them, "No. No. That alarm is just the sound the house makes when our mom cooks."

Buffering.

Have you ever thought about how far we've come in 16 years? You will.

Nevermind overachieving, I can't believe how many things I have to say over and over a day just to keep my kids alive.

Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Drink your water. Put on a coat. Take your vitamin. Take your vitamin. Eat. Eat. Eat. Don't stick that in there. Look both ways. Look both ways. Make sure you look both ways. Wear your helmet. Stay by my side. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Eat. Eat. Eat.

When you're seven years old, 56 April Fool's Day jokes are sooooooooo much funnier than 1.

Sometimes my intuition tells me not to follow my intuition.

You haven't fully experienced motherhood until you have put Desitin on your toothbrush.

And we get closer and closer to coming full cirlce.

Trainers at Sea World say these circle blowing dolphins are teaching them so much. Perhaps the dolphins are trying to teach them that they are bored.

If I took a time lapse video of my life this week it would look like a still shot of me sitting in front of my computer.

There is a button on my keys that makes my car honk. What I need is a button on my car that makes my keys honk.

I usually know where my car is.

I wonder if I wore my 3-D glasses out in the real world if I'd suddenly be able to read people's minds.

Don't read the words. I just had to print the first chart I've seen in a while where the little line was going up!

If I had twins I think I'd name them "Good" and "Evil" just to see what would happen.

(I'm totally kidding, of course. Those names don't even rhyme.)

Can't post today. Wrote a guest post on Friday that had, like, 137 words in it. I'm wiped.

Check it out, here.

I'm happy Tom Brady got married. Now he can stop having sex and get back to concentrating on football.

I know we're lacking in face time when someone has to tell me when they're LOL but has no idea if I need to XYZ PDQ.

(For those under 32: XYZ PQD = examine your zipper pretty darn quick. Ask your grandpa about it.) 

This was one of my earliest influencers in my career choice. Loved the woman. Loved the ad.

Just wish someone would have told me what a pain in the ass this plan is in real life.

The Dunkin' Donuts Waffle Breakfast Sandwich.

Okay. The name alone tells me there are at least two breakfasts in that meal.

Today I can't stop wondering if I could survive if I somehow ended up at the bottom of a 10' pool that was filled with whipped cream instead of water.

Could I get out? Could I somehow get enough air until I figured out a way to get out? Whipped cream does have a lot of air in it, right? But there's no traction for swimming. Could I crawl through it?

On the days I don't post it's only because my head is filled with illogical thoughts like this.

Before I read the sign on the door I never considered the possibility that the person aligning my tires would be on drugs. Now they have me thinking.

       Suddenly I'm wondering why National Tire and Battery feels the need to post this information on their door. And why they ranked its importance in between no smoking and the fact that they recycle. And should I be worried that they're going to stab me in the knee? They didn't post that they wouldn't.

What if Snopes is a hoax?

When I was a child I thought the moon was following me. Now I know Chipolte is.

I've never eaten at the place and still everywhere I go there's a new one popping up. Apparently an economic crisis gives people the munchies for Mexican.

100 Calorie Packs make me know everything is A-OK.

There is no real economic crisis until people stop paying more to get less food.

The ultimate "get over it and move on."

 "I had this expectation that my career would be one in which I didn't crash an airplane."

- Captain Sullenberger on why he was surprised, not frightened, just before he carefully landed the A320 in the Hudson

I don't like when people cite their "years of experience" to prove that they know they can NOT get something done. Use it to show that you can.

 

Goofus: I've been working here 25 years so I know that's not possible.

Gallant: Let's use what I've learned over the past 25 years to make this happen!

I love the guy, but even I can't take this kind of framing.

From cnn.com.

Today I found out my breasts are dense.

Apparently this isn't bad or good. Though it may explain some of the poor decisions they made in their earlier years.

(File under Medical Tests of your 40's.)

I bet there's not one person in America who reads both these magazines.

Cannabis Culture

Watch Time

If you want something done NOW, ask a 9 year old.

Mine just ran down the stairs and through the house naked and dripping wet to say he was happy the new shampoo was not tested on animals.

I think second marriages are often successful because people in them understand that it could end.

I try to remember that the first time around.

Cpt. Sullenberger did so much more than save the lives of the 155 people aboard Flight 1549.

He also gave hope in the last minutes to the untold travelers who will die in plane crashes in the future.

Getting this country back on track, step one: Fire the lazy.

I just ate soybeans that were made to look and taste like a burger.

Nobody ever makes beef look and taste like a soybean.