I'm happy Tom Brady got married. Now he can stop having sex and get back to concentrating on football.

I know we're lacking in face time when someone has to tell me when they're LOL but has no idea if I need to XYZ PDQ.

(For those under 32: XYZ PQD = examine your zipper pretty darn quick. Ask your grandpa about it.) 

This was one of my earliest influencers in my career choice. Loved the woman. Loved the ad.

Just wish someone would have told me what a pain in the ass this plan is in real life.

The Dunkin' Donuts Waffle Breakfast Sandwich.

Okay. The name alone tells me there are at least two breakfasts in that meal.

Today I can't stop wondering if I could survive if I somehow ended up at the bottom of a 10' pool that was filled with whipped cream instead of water.

Could I get out? Could I somehow get enough air until I figured out a way to get out? Whipped cream does have a lot of air in it, right? But there's no traction for swimming. Could I crawl through it?

On the days I don't post it's only because my head is filled with illogical thoughts like this.

Before I read the sign on the door I never considered the possibility that the person aligning my tires would be on drugs. Now they have me thinking.

       Suddenly I'm wondering why National Tire and Battery feels the need to post this information on their door. And why they ranked its importance in between no smoking and the fact that they recycle. And should I be worried that they're going to stab me in the knee? They didn't post that they wouldn't.

What if Snopes is a hoax?

When I was a child I thought the moon was following me. Now I know Chipolte is.

I've never eaten at the place and still everywhere I go there's a new one popping up. Apparently an economic crisis gives people the munchies for Mexican.

100 Calorie Packs make me know everything is A-OK.

There is no real economic crisis until people stop paying more to get less food.

The ultimate "get over it and move on."

 "I had this expectation that my career would be one in which I didn't crash an airplane."

- Captain Sullenberger on why he was surprised, not frightened, just before he carefully landed the A320 in the Hudson

I don't like when people cite their "years of experience" to prove that they know they can NOT get something done. Use it to show that you can.

 

Goofus: I've been working here 25 years so I know that's not possible.

Gallant: Let's use what I've learned over the past 25 years to make this happen!

I love the guy, but even I can't take this kind of framing.

From cnn.com.

Today I found out my breasts are dense.

Apparently this isn't bad or good. Though it may explain some of the poor decisions they made in their earlier years.

(File under Medical Tests of your 40's.)

I bet there's not one person in America who reads both these magazines.

Cannabis Culture

Watch Time

If you want something done NOW, ask a 9 year old.

Mine just ran down the stairs and through the house naked and dripping wet to say he was happy the new shampoo was not tested on animals.

I think second marriages are often successful because people in them understand that it could end.

I try to remember that the first time around.

Cpt. Sullenberger did so much more than save the lives of the 155 people aboard Flight 1549.

He also gave hope in the last minutes to the untold travelers who will die in plane crashes in the future.

Getting this country back on track, step one: Fire the lazy.

I just ate soybeans that were made to look and taste like a burger.

Nobody ever makes beef look and taste like a soybean.

I know I haven't been posting as often. When I don't have anything to say, I just don't say it.

Just one more way I'm trying to live my life in direct contrast to the philosophy of 24 hour news channels.

I spend hours and hours and hours and hours worrying about things that never end up happening.

I think it's working.

I love to be on super super super empty flights.

You never hear, "A United Airlines 757 went down today. There were 11 people on board."

You're not going to believe what happened to me on the plane.

For those of you who read regularly, you know how I feel about airplane bathrooms. 

Well, on this airplane, the light was not connected to the lock. (I did not realize this until it was too late.) As I started my business I was actually thinking about how I could feel confidence in the lock because the light was on when low and behold the door opens! Suffice it to say, my dignity was not shielded by darkness. And I worried about that plane's engines for the rest of the flight.

I may have lost a laptop, but I gained some insight.

State Police are a lot nicer when you're 41 and looking for a missing laptop at Logan Airport than they are when you're 21 and peeing on someone else's patio at 3am.

No, Aunt Pat. That never happened.

Tomorrow I'll get up early to drink DietCoke, eat chips, lose stuff, skip church, forget your birthday, swear and talk on the phone while I drive.

I want the resolution monkey off my back by noon.

I wonder how good you have to be for Santa to clean the house while he's at it.

TSBITW wishes you all a very Merry Christmas!!!!!

Todays guest poster: Andrea Gavin!! Andrea writes:

It's official. The decorative wine bag is the new fruit cake.

Want to guest post? Add your insight, quip or anecdote in the comments section.

I feel sad when I see houses with balconies that are impossible to get to.

Everyday those people come home to unattainable dreams staring them right in the face.

I recently realized that about 20% of my traffic comes from random Google searches.

Botox. Viagra. Gay porn. How to grow my marijuana. George Bush shoe.

In most of my important relationships there has been a moment when I realized, "Hey, we've become good friends."

Unfortunately my next thought is almost always, "I wonder if I'll be at his/her funeral or he/she will be at mine."

One in three toys is toxic?

After reading this, I decided I would no longer tell my son to stop picking his nose. It just might be the safest place to put his fingers.

Gas prices have fallen from $4.11 to $1.56 in 77 days.

Obama might not be The Savior, but I'm now pretty sure God is a Democrat.

Last night my 2 boys joined the universe of males who have shared the same moment of joy: they learned the flush toilet was invented by Thomas Crapper

I promise you it was better than Christmas morning.

At this point I don't think it's even possible to be ahead of the curve.

I want to understand exactly where the $800 billion for the bailout came from.

I asked someone and they said it came from me. This makes me nervous. I imagine filling out my tax form in April.

44. Take the amount from line 43 and add $800,000,000,000...........................................______________

As the economy gets worse, I see more people getting better at understanding the plight of those in need.

empathy  (noun):

identifying oneself with an object or another person

I think Oprah might actually be controlling the universe. I'm glad I'm on her good side.

I'm all hopped up on Zumba this morning!

Zumba is an aerobics class in which I basically flail around and try to shake my extra body parts as much as possible. As opposed to other aerobics classes where I flail around and try not to let that happen.

The moment I realize somebody is lying to me, I feel completely exhausted for them.

When my Netflix disc has fingerprints on it, I can't stop thinking about who they belong to and whether that person liked the movie.

I usually end up missing the first 10 minutes of the movie.

Over the next few years

I hope conservative minds will realize and liberal minds will remember that disagreeing with the leadership of your country does not mean you do not love your country. In fact, sometimes it means you love your country even more.

Yes, we can.

But we've only started. Remember, we means me and you.

The future of this country will not be decided by who wins tomorrow, but by who votes tomorrow.

The world is in turmoil. Tomorrow we will send a message around the globe. It will either be, "Whatever" or "We're on it."

I don't care who you are voting for, just VOTE! We are way, way better than 57%.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." - Marianne Williamson

I am 41. And sometimes I wonder what age I will be when I stop thinking it's funny when someone's last name is "Wiener."

My apologies, Mr. Wiener.

That's it. I'm officially changing LOL to HAHAHA.

And, henceforth, ROFL will be known as HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

And if you are laughing so hard you can't even control your muscles, thats: ALSFJAILWHFGA;IDHF;ADSIGALJGOUJFV;GABSDZ. ALIHFOAW GY8W .

As the credit crisis intensifies, filled-to-the-rim storage facilities mock us as we drive by.

What if 5% of the population can read minds but they're just not telling us?

The Economy has become the Britney Spears of 2008.

Oh, what will it do next???

If our taxdollars are buying major equity in the country's largest financial institutions, does that make us "the man"?

Stogies, all around!

While doing research to find the safest possible place to put my money, I decided to invest it all in chart making companies.

Not sure what to do about the economy? Experts say, "Touch your face."

I like to talk to people who say, "Imagine that."

They are far more likely to offer me pie than they are to steal my wallet.

The treadmill at the gym told me to stop if I feel short of breath.

?

When SpellCheck corrects me, but turns out to be wrong, I feel oddly superior.

Did I use commas correctly in that sentence?

I don't like to judge people at first sight.

But can we get a vote on the middle-aged guy at the hotel pool in the tiny bathing suit that said HARVARD across his butt?

FAQ sections of websites always make me feel so predictable.

Why don't teeth grow like hair and fingernails?

I wish we had to go every six months to get our teeth cut instead of cleaned.

Portion sizes keep getting bigger, but those ketchup packages remain the same size.

I think Heinz is trying to tell America something.

Andrea is obsessed with small ketchup packets. That is whence this post was born.

I really like songs with yodeling. I really don't like songs about yodeling.

I think that's what happens when you grow up in Oklahoma, but you weren't born in Oklahoma.

If I come across a ballpoint pen that I really, really like I can't help but take it. Even from a charity.

Oh yeah, right. You would never do it.

Whenever I see land surveyors doing their job I feel like they have come here in a time machine from the distant past.

I always want to take them home and show them my DVR and stamps you don't have to lick.

I think Cecilia could beat up Sweet Caroline, but Lovely Rita would kick both their asses.

Linda Thomas, RN: Today is your day!!!

Hi Linda Thomas, RN! This is your day! I don't know you and you don't know me, but I'm sure there is a Linda Thomas, RN out there somewhere. And someday you will Google yourself, Linda Thomas, RN and you will find this blog. If you are a nurse you work very hard so today this blog is dedicated to you! Yeay, Linda Thomas, RN! This blog is for you!!!!

It would be convenient to get hit by an ambulance.

What if there were some weird mix up and when you died somebody else's life flashed before your eyes.

That would be so disappointing.

The sweet spot of parenting lies between when your last one learns to pump on a swing and your first one learns to drive a car.

Young friends, I don't mean to be the pedantic old lady behind you at Starbucks, but "Houston, we have a problem" is technically not a movie line.

iPod confession: Sometimes I wear my headphones even though nothing is playing.

There are days when solitude is on my playlist.

Tax Free Holidays are like the New Year's Eve of shopping. Except that I never accidentally go out on New Year's Eve.

When I think about how many times I have screamed in fear in my life compared to how many scream-worthy moments I have had in my life I am blown away.

Rather than have framed photos of us smiling at the camera all over the house, we just put up mirrors. We like how they stay up-to-date.

This string hanging down from the wall in your hospital room's bathroom is an emergency call string, not an "old fashioned toilet flusher."

You might want to remind your 8-year old of this several times if he is ever in the hospital for a week.

(Thanks for checking in on my week hiatus. I was in the hospital with my son. He was diagnosed with Lyme, but we're home and on the road to recovery!)

If they record all these customer service calls for quality control purposes, why isn't the quality of customer service calls getting any better?

Important information you may need someday.

If you ever pull your refrigerator out to clean underneath it and you happen to puncture the copper wire that delivers water to the ice maker and water starts shooting all over your kitchen like an open fire hydrant on a hot day in Brooklyn, duct tape will not stop the flow of water so do not waste ten minutes trying to make it work. Especially if you have wood floors. There is probably a shut off valve somewhere in your basement that will stop the flow of water with a simple turn of a knob. It is good to know this important tip BEFORE you need it. 

It's that time again: What people Googled to get to my blog.

Am I the only one who finds it interesting to see what people Google? Before you answer, read on:

homeless looking sweatshirt

macbook air conga line

i hate cat bumper sticker

real life size characters

if you feel you are only one human in this world

what sytle underwear am I

the shortest marriage in the world

hineys

how to put on a thong

what is organ donation and why is it used

smell like downy

this is hell and i am the devil

mylie cyrus thong

i think i love mylie cyrus

i've always wanted one of those

election year prom themes

pee my thong

theshortestbookreviewintheworld: The Pillars of the Earth

Conquer. Rape. Pillage. Repeat.

They say when you die your life flashes before your eyes.

I hope it doesn't flash by that fast. I think I'd enjoy that show.

This is your last chance!

That sentence is hardly ever true.

I get very uncomfortable watching tv show characters dance.

Slow dancing is okay. But please, tv show writers, unless your show stars Jennifer Beals (and you know who you are) please leave out the dancing scenes. It's awkward for everyone.

Advertising themes through the decades.

The 80's:  You deserve it!

The 90's:  You're always on the go!

The 00's:  There's never been a better time...

I'm so glad the pick up line at pharmacies don't operate like the pick up line at Starbucks.

"VIAGRA FOR LARRY!"

"PAXIL AND STOOL SOFTENER FOR PAM!"

Sometimes I talk so much I interrupt myself.

I would like a windmill powered car.

A tiny windmill on the hood. Think about it. The wind is already there. Could someone jump on it, please?

It's odd that I get emails that tell me if I forward them to 10 people my wishes will be granted, but if I don't something horrible will happen to me.

It's even more peculiar that I get these from people who love me.

Can I just ask you a quick question?

Yes. But you've already made it twice as long as it needed to be.

The collector with one wall has the best art.

Chanukah is Spanish for Christmas.

Sorry. Sometimes when I have nothing to say I just say something my kid said.

I've always wanted to sponsor one of those garden medians on busy roads and pave it.

I keep hearing people competitively discussing who feels the gas price pain more by comparing how much it costs to fill their tank.

FYI: This is not the right math.

A moment of #@$%ing silence.

RIP, George Carlin. You were one funny guy.

Who was 71.

:D ;) :) :l :( :0

Cubicle Pain Chart

My goal is that eventually whatever you Google, you get to theshortestblogintheworld. Here are the latest Google entries that brought you here.

Welcome new readers. And thanks for Googling:

 

another word for impatient

shortest Catcher in the Rye notes

vote for prom king sayings

shortest lady in the world

chickenfight.com

hangman with words for six year old

tattoo cats

i want to read a blog

things people googled

how far should printer be from your desk

people who feel weird

"old lover" pregnant

"shut the #%^ up when you're talking to me"

shortest mother in the world

i wish i was there to help quotes

fellow countrymen definition

flies or fly which came first

was Tim Russert an organ donor

Ah, it's crazy...

Four handy syllables silently agreed on by the "36 and over" masses to be an acceptable end to any conversation deemed not going anywhere.

Tim Russert. 58.

Interesting. This underwear wasn't thong-style when I put it on this morning.

It must be magic underwear!

Forget economic stimulus packages, let's legalize gay marriage!

California is expecting a $684 million boost to its economy thanks to upcoming same-sex marriages. Let's ensure economic stability and human rights with one fell swoop. Go America!

I've never utilized anything.

I use things. I like using things. I don't think utilizing anything would be fun. 

Nobody ever utilizes a water balloon.

Do you read my blog?

I'd like to know how many people read my blog, but I'm not very technical. I did sign up for sitemeter which tells me how many hits I get each day, but I don't now how many different people those hits represent. So, if you read can you just yell out, "I DO!" and I'll count you all up.

Thanks.

Whenever someone famous dies every news article lists their age (usually in the headline) proving once and for all that it is a competition.