When I can't find my cell phone in my house

I call it with the landline so it will ring. And then, when I find it, I automatically look to see who is calling. (Because it's ringing.) And then, for a nanosecond, I am surprised to see it's me calling. This happens every single time.

The Son of Sam A. Sample

It's the story of a direct mail letter writer gone mad.

No man is an island.

But I've met some peninsulas.

You heard it here first.

Twenty-four hour news channels will be the downfall of our civilization.

When I use the last square of toilet paper

I always feel a little bit sad. Like I lost some kind of weird lottery.

Is everyone's own name

their favorite name?

Reese Witherspoon. Jake Gyllenhaal.

Same chin.

Dora the Explorer pinatas are so disturbing.

To see a bunch of four and five year olds wacking away at that poor girl as she hangs from a rope on a stick. It's dismal.

I know this is wrong.

Whenever I come across a Magic 8 Ball, I ask it a question and then I kind of give its answer some credence. It's not that I believe it, but I have to admit that I do consider it's opinion.

I'll do anything for you.

You can only say that to one person in your life and mean it.

Parenting karma.

When you're a really, really good mom in this life you get to come back as dad in the next.
I just know it.

When you're in a convertible with the top up

and you pass someone in a convertible with the top down, you feel shame.

My mother's answer to the drug problem

Is to stop selling zip lock baggies.

Every woman has one.

The husband voice. (Or boyfriend voice. Whatever.) It’s the voice she uses to quote her husband when talking to her friends. It is usually used when she feels he is wrong, being annoying, being irresponsible or asking questions to which the answers have already been explained many, many times.
I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it is.

Funnier than Borat

http://www.boston.com/news/odd/articles/2007/04/07/movie_mistake_families_get_horror_film/

Sometimes it should be acceptable to replace $ with !

For example:
These eggs cost $2.39 a dozen.
My health insurance costs !1200.00 a month.

4 things I've learned from stick figures.

I should not put my hand in between two gears.
I should not put my hand inside that gray box.
Infants do not go in the dryer.
Three people should stand shoulder to shoulder when they are together in an elevator.

Everyone's a comedian.

This is a popular saying, but it's not true. If it were, McDonald's would serve breakfast until 2pm and 80% of the population would be borderline alcoholics.* Oh yeah, and everyone would be funnier.

*This in no way reflects on my brother, Roy Johnson, who is a comedian and is not a boderline alcoholic.

At what age does this happen?

You buy a plant and wonder who will live longer: you or the plant.

How I got bangs.

Me: Isn't it so dorky how all these women are getting bangs just because Reese Witherspoon had them at the Oscars?
My stylist: Yeah.
Me: Have a lot of women been asking for them?
My stylist: Bangs? Oh yeah. Tons. I've been doing a lot of bangs.
Me: That is so ridiculous. One woman wears bangs to one party and now every woman in the country wants bangs. (eye roll) It's pathetic.
My stylist: Actually, I think you would look good in bangs.
Me: Really?
My stylist: Yeah, want to try it?
Me: Okay!

Just in case you didn't know: tiny jets.

You know those tiny jets that have two seats on one side of the aisle and one seat on the other and the seats are really, really close together? Just in case you didn't already know, the RECLINE feature on those seats is like the ashtray in your car. It is not meant to be actually used, it's just there because it has to be. If you doubt me, the next time you get on one of those tiny jets ask the person sitting behind you.