Tomorrow I'll get up early to drink DietCoke, eat chips, lose stuff, skip church, forget your birthday, swear and talk on the phone while I drive.

I want the resolution monkey off my back by noon.

I wonder how good you have to be for Santa to clean the house while he's at it.

TSBITW wishes you all a very Merry Christmas!!!!!

Todays guest poster: Andrea Gavin!! Andrea writes:

It's official. The decorative wine bag is the new fruit cake.

Want to guest post? Add your insight, quip or anecdote in the comments section.

I feel sad when I see houses with balconies that are impossible to get to.

Everyday those people come home to unattainable dreams staring them right in the face.

I recently realized that about 20% of my traffic comes from random Google searches.

Botox. Viagra. Gay porn. How to grow my marijuana. George Bush shoe.

In most of my important relationships there has been a moment when I realized, "Hey, we've become good friends."

Unfortunately my next thought is almost always, "I wonder if I'll be at his/her funeral or he/she will be at mine."

One in three toys is toxic?

After reading this, I decided I would no longer tell my son to stop picking his nose. It just might be the safest place to put his fingers.

Gas prices have fallen from $4.11 to $1.56 in 77 days.

Obama might not be The Savior, but I'm now pretty sure God is a Democrat.

Last night my 2 boys joined the universe of males who have shared the same moment of joy: they learned the flush toilet was invented by Thomas Crapper

I promise you it was better than Christmas morning.

At this point I don't think it's even possible to be ahead of the curve.

I want to understand exactly where the $800 billion for the bailout came from.

I asked someone and they said it came from me. This makes me nervous. I imagine filling out my tax form in April.

44. Take the amount from line 43 and add $800,000,000,000...........................................______________

As the economy gets worse, I see more people getting better at understanding the plight of those in need.

empathy  (noun):

identifying oneself with an object or another person

I think Oprah might actually be controlling the universe. I'm glad I'm on her good side.

I'm all hopped up on Zumba this morning!

Zumba is an aerobics class in which I basically flail around and try to shake my extra body parts as much as possible. As opposed to other aerobics classes where I flail around and try not to let that happen.

The moment I realize somebody is lying to me, I feel completely exhausted for them.

When my Netflix disc has fingerprints on it, I can't stop thinking about who they belong to and whether that person liked the movie.

I usually end up missing the first 10 minutes of the movie.

Over the next few years

I hope conservative minds will realize and liberal minds will remember that disagreeing with the leadership of your country does not mean you do not love your country. In fact, sometimes it means you love your country even more.

Yes, we can.

But we've only started. Remember, we means me and you.

The future of this country will not be decided by who wins tomorrow, but by who votes tomorrow.

The world is in turmoil. Tomorrow we will send a message around the globe. It will either be, "Whatever" or "We're on it."

I don't care who you are voting for, just VOTE! We are way, way better than 57%.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." - Marianne Williamson

I am 41. And sometimes I wonder what age I will be when I stop thinking it's funny when someone's last name is "Wiener."

My apologies, Mr. Wiener.

That's it. I'm officially changing LOL to HAHAHA.

And, henceforth, ROFL will be known as HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

And if you are laughing so hard you can't even control your muscles, thats: ALSFJAILWHFGA;IDHF;ADSIGALJGOUJFV;GABSDZ. ALIHFOAW GY8W .

As the credit crisis intensifies, filled-to-the-rim storage facilities mock us as we drive by.

What if 5% of the population can read minds but they're just not telling us?

The Economy has become the Britney Spears of 2008.

Oh, what will it do next???

If our taxdollars are buying major equity in the country's largest financial institutions, does that make us "the man"?

Stogies, all around!

While doing research to find the safest possible place to put my money, I decided to invest it all in chart making companies.

Not sure what to do about the economy? Experts say, "Touch your face."

I like to talk to people who say, "Imagine that."

They are far more likely to offer me pie than they are to steal my wallet.

The treadmill at the gym told me to stop if I feel short of breath.

?

When SpellCheck corrects me, but turns out to be wrong, I feel oddly superior.

Did I use commas correctly in that sentence?

I don't like to judge people at first sight.

But can we get a vote on the middle-aged guy at the hotel pool in the tiny bathing suit that said HARVARD across his butt?

FAQ sections of websites always make me feel so predictable.

Why don't teeth grow like hair and fingernails?

I wish we had to go every six months to get our teeth cut instead of cleaned.

Portion sizes keep getting bigger, but those ketchup packages remain the same size.

I think Heinz is trying to tell America something.

Andrea is obsessed with small ketchup packets. That is whence this post was born.

I really like songs with yodeling. I really don't like songs about yodeling.

I think that's what happens when you grow up in Oklahoma, but you weren't born in Oklahoma.

If I come across a ballpoint pen that I really, really like I can't help but take it. Even from a charity.

Oh yeah, right. You would never do it.

Whenever I see land surveyors doing their job I feel like they have come here in a time machine from the distant past.

I always want to take them home and show them my DVR and stamps you don't have to lick.

I think Cecilia could beat up Sweet Caroline, but Lovely Rita would kick both their asses.

Linda Thomas, RN: Today is your day!!!

Hi Linda Thomas, RN! This is your day! I don't know you and you don't know me, but I'm sure there is a Linda Thomas, RN out there somewhere. And someday you will Google yourself, Linda Thomas, RN and you will find this blog. If you are a nurse you work very hard so today this blog is dedicated to you! Yeay, Linda Thomas, RN! This blog is for you!!!!

It would be convenient to get hit by an ambulance.

What if there were some weird mix up and when you died somebody else's life flashed before your eyes.

That would be so disappointing.

The sweet spot of parenting lies between when your last one learns to pump on a swing and your first one learns to drive a car.

Young friends, I don't mean to be the pedantic old lady behind you at Starbucks, but "Houston, we have a problem" is technically not a movie line.

iPod confession: Sometimes I wear my headphones even though nothing is playing.

There are days when solitude is on my playlist.

Tax Free Holidays are like the New Year's Eve of shopping. Except that I never accidentally go out on New Year's Eve.

When I think about how many times I have screamed in fear in my life compared to how many scream-worthy moments I have had in my life I am blown away.

Rather than have framed photos of us smiling at the camera all over the house, we just put up mirrors. We like how they stay up-to-date.

This string hanging down from the wall in your hospital room's bathroom is an emergency call string, not an "old fashioned toilet flusher."

You might want to remind your 8-year old of this several times if he is ever in the hospital for a week.

(Thanks for checking in on my week hiatus. I was in the hospital with my son. He was diagnosed with Lyme, but we're home and on the road to recovery!)

If they record all these customer service calls for quality control purposes, why isn't the quality of customer service calls getting any better?

Important information you may need someday.

If you ever pull your refrigerator out to clean underneath it and you happen to puncture the copper wire that delivers water to the ice maker and water starts shooting all over your kitchen like an open fire hydrant on a hot day in Brooklyn, duct tape will not stop the flow of water so do not waste ten minutes trying to make it work. Especially if you have wood floors. There is probably a shut off valve somewhere in your basement that will stop the flow of water with a simple turn of a knob. It is good to know this important tip BEFORE you need it. 

It's that time again: What people Googled to get to my blog.

Am I the only one who finds it interesting to see what people Google? Before you answer, read on:

homeless looking sweatshirt

macbook air conga line

i hate cat bumper sticker

real life size characters

if you feel you are only one human in this world

what sytle underwear am I

the shortest marriage in the world

hineys

how to put on a thong

what is organ donation and why is it used

smell like downy

this is hell and i am the devil

mylie cyrus thong

i think i love mylie cyrus

i've always wanted one of those

election year prom themes

pee my thong

theshortestbookreviewintheworld: The Pillars of the Earth

Conquer. Rape. Pillage. Repeat.

They say when you die your life flashes before your eyes.

I hope it doesn't flash by that fast. I think I'd enjoy that show.

This is your last chance!

That sentence is hardly ever true.

I get very uncomfortable watching tv show characters dance.

Slow dancing is okay. But please, tv show writers, unless your show stars Jennifer Beals (and you know who you are) please leave out the dancing scenes. It's awkward for everyone.

Advertising themes through the decades.

The 80's:  You deserve it!

The 90's:  You're always on the go!

The 00's:  There's never been a better time...

I'm so glad the pick up line at pharmacies don't operate like the pick up line at Starbucks.

"VIAGRA FOR LARRY!"

"PAXIL AND STOOL SOFTENER FOR PAM!"

Sometimes I talk so much I interrupt myself.

I would like a windmill powered car.

A tiny windmill on the hood. Think about it. The wind is already there. Could someone jump on it, please?

It's odd that I get emails that tell me if I forward them to 10 people my wishes will be granted, but if I don't something horrible will happen to me.

It's even more peculiar that I get these from people who love me.

Can I just ask you a quick question?

Yes. But you've already made it twice as long as it needed to be.

The collector with one wall has the best art.

Chanukah is Spanish for Christmas.

Sorry. Sometimes when I have nothing to say I just say something my kid said.

I've always wanted to sponsor one of those garden medians on busy roads and pave it.

I keep hearing people competitively discussing who feels the gas price pain more by comparing how much it costs to fill their tank.

FYI: This is not the right math.

A moment of #@$%ing silence.

RIP, George Carlin. You were one funny guy.

Who was 71.

:D ;) :) :l :( :0

Cubicle Pain Chart

My goal is that eventually whatever you Google, you get to theshortestblogintheworld. Here are the latest Google entries that brought you here.

Welcome new readers. And thanks for Googling:

 

another word for impatient

shortest Catcher in the Rye notes

vote for prom king sayings

shortest lady in the world

chickenfight.com

hangman with words for six year old

tattoo cats

i want to read a blog

things people googled

how far should printer be from your desk

people who feel weird

"old lover" pregnant

"shut the #%^ up when you're talking to me"

shortest mother in the world

i wish i was there to help quotes

fellow countrymen definition

flies or fly which came first

was Tim Russert an organ donor

Ah, it's crazy...

Four handy syllables silently agreed on by the "36 and over" masses to be an acceptable end to any conversation deemed not going anywhere.

Tim Russert. 58.

Interesting. This underwear wasn't thong-style when I put it on this morning.

It must be magic underwear!

Forget economic stimulus packages, let's legalize gay marriage!

California is expecting a $684 million boost to its economy thanks to upcoming same-sex marriages. Let's ensure economic stability and human rights with one fell swoop. Go America!

I've never utilized anything.

I use things. I like using things. I don't think utilizing anything would be fun. 

Nobody ever utilizes a water balloon.

Do you read my blog?

I'd like to know how many people read my blog, but I'm not very technical. I did sign up for sitemeter which tells me how many hits I get each day, but I don't now how many different people those hits represent. So, if you read can you just yell out, "I DO!" and I'll count you all up.

Thanks.

Whenever someone famous dies every news article lists their age (usually in the headline) proving once and for all that it is a competition.

Turns out, idle hands are not the devil's workshop.

Idling cars are. If you're going to be sitting more than 10 seconds, turn off the engine!

Did you know that for every two minutes you spend idling you use the same amount of fuel as one mile driving? Read on!

"Correct me if I'm wrong."

Why do people say this? Is there really a shortage of people who will do the job voluntarily?

Fellow Countrymen: Whether you love your cat, hate the war or care about unborn children, one bumper sticker is enough to tell the story.

Two is more than a thorough job. Really, any more in completely unnecessary.

I feel weird when store clerks compliment clothing I'm about to pay for.

I'm not sure whether to say "thank you" because technically, at that point, the clothing is still theirs.

I just saw a homeless woman wearing a Harvard sweatshirt and for a split second I thought I was looking at an editorial cartoon.

Sometimes I think we're all just open wounds on legs.

The DVR remote control has done wonders for spousal relations.

Kudos to the system that brought back seat driving into the living room. 

Stop. Stop! STOP! STOP!!!

I forgot to bring my kids to any of their activities this week.

They may be "over scheduled," but at least they're not "over participating."

Where's the shadow's shadow?

The centrifugal force of Space Mountain may have sucked mine out, but at least it left my 6-year old's brain intact.

I spent the last 7 days in Orlando and didn't have one interesting thought the whole time.

Don't get me wrong. I had a whole lot of fun. Just not a whole lot of thoughts.

I highly recommend it.

theshortestblogintheworld is on vacation!

Thanks for reading and please do come back May 12! Have a great week!

I think the Miley Cyrus photo is gorgeous.

The 15-year-old calling Annie Leibovitz "cute" was shocking, inappropriate and disturbing.

We all usually mean exactly what we say. We just might not know it yet.

I've found that parties that smell like Downy Wrinkle Release are more fun than parties that smell like Static Guard.

Suzy Bogguss just tried to sell me a neti pot on TV.

It seems to be some odd device with which organic types perform waterboarding on themselves. I think I'll just stick with letting the Dr. Pepper go up my nose.

Paper? Plastic? Invest in the reusable you may or may not remember to bring next time? I have the answer.

Edible grocery bags.

If you buy the MacBook Air online, do they send it to you in an interoffice envelope?

I like The Sign of Peace at church.

It gives me an excellent opportunity to turn around and gauge how likely the people behind me are to call DSS on me as soon as they get home.

I wonder who Monica Lewinsky is voting for.

Step 1. Put down the instruction manual.

I've heard it said that the world is evolving so quickly that if you stop to read instructions, what you are trying to learn will be outdated by the time you finish reading.

This is exactly why I don't think everybody has to go to college.

When my 8yo son told me over breakfast that he knew what sex was, there were many appropriate responses:

 1. Where did you learn about that?

2. How do you feel about it?

3. Do you have any questions?

Me? I chose:

4. Well, don't tell your brother.

Never let them put the printer near your desk.

No matter what your title (art director, head of catering, CFO), if you sit near the printer people will ask for help with it. It's as if they think proximity gives you printer wisdom. As if, while the rest of the office toils in isolation, the printer is silently sending you the untold secrets of the printing world.

I know. I'm one of those people. Where's the 11 x 17 paper?

Tact is when you remain popular even when your opinions are not.

It's Good People Day 2008! (click for details)

And I'm honoring Max Pfennighaus at Digital Influence Group! Besides being an all-around great guy, he was the first to send my blog to a bunch of Social Marketing people thus garnering me the first followers who weren't my mom. Thanks, Max! And happy Good People Day! (And thanks to Michelle for sending it to Max. You rock, too!)

You invent it. I'll promote it.

I'm starting a new feature on this blog. If you invent the products of my dreams for me, I will promote them on my blog for you.

Today's product: Face Spray.

Like hairspray only it keeps your makeup in place. (Even on the windiest of days!)

It's time once again for: What People Googled to Get to my Blog.

Welcome to you who Googled:

Picket signs sayings

If you could spend a day with somebody, who would it be

You should Google yourself

I don't want to die blogs

Who needs Waldo

Quesclamation

Tattoos

Exhibitionist

Clever sayings for bathroom walls

Tattoos are like cats.

Having one or two shows character. More than that and you're just asking for an intervention.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THESHORTESTBLOGINTHEWORLD!!

It's the one year anniversary since my very first post. Thank you all for reading! Thank you all for commenting! I don't always answer your comments, in keeping with the theme of the blog, but I read and love every one of them. AND A VERY SPECIAL THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS LINKED YOUR BLOG TO MINE! Thank you:

socialmediaguy.com

royjohnsonlive.com

unclecrappy.wordpress.com

indecision2008.com

clusterflock.org

bythewaybetch.blogspot.com

jerseysjov.blogspot.com

doesabodygood.blogspot.com

bythewaybetch.blogspot.com

anygryathsmamama.blogspot.com

cardiogirl.net

pr-squared.com

brokeindc.blogspot.com

heyheyjennay.blogspot.com

scottmonty.com

mycuppatea.wordpress.com

and all of you who mentioned me on twitter!

(If I left you out, please remind me. I'm not good at keeping track of this stuff!)

Up with hineys!

Down with a terrible cold, I literally blew through every tissue in the house. Substituting with tp, I was shocked to realize how not-as-soft-as-our-facial-tissues our tp is! Unfair to hineys! Now I'm on a pro-hiney campaign. Please remember hiney rights in your home.

And now a word from my six year old.

You know when you play Hangman? What did that guy DO?

I would like to see eBay sell itself on eBay.

What if this is hell?

You have to sit in a room and listen to every word you said while you where alive.

Barack Obama is doing fine in the Presidential race now, but just wait until Geraldine Ferraro leaks that he fathered a black child.

If you want to keep your job DO NOT make this face.

 

I want to read a blog in which Nicole Kidman goes to SXSW and reports on which bloggers have had lipo, need to go to rehab or slept w/other bloggers.

I'll pass on the blogger "no underwear shots."

XM radio offers a conservative talk station and a liberal talk station thus saving us all from the awkwardness of hearing the other side of the story.

I'm recycling paper breasts.

I bought some bras off of gap.com. When they arrived the cups were stuffed with paper breasts. 

I had already bought the bras. No further seduction was necessary. 

Without self-hatred there would be fewer marriages.

And virtually no divorce. 

Facebook and the answering machine.

A friend said he will not join Facebook or anything like it because, "If I want to get in touch with someone, I'll just email them." This reminded me of my father once saying, "If it's important, they'll call back." 

Watch as I control your mind.

Knock knock.

"Going Oprah on your ass!" You heard it here first.

Like "going postal" only "going Oprah" refers to pummeling someone with tales of spiritual optimism and assurance that the universe is aligning to make you the best darn you you can be. Having someone "go postal" or "go Oprah" on you can be equally as traumatic.

ex: "When I told my sister about getting towed the same day I found out my husband had run away with the mailman and "Friday Night Lights" was being cancelled, I really just wanted to split a bottle of Jack Daniels. Instead she went all Oprah on my ass!"

Does it drive me crazy when people ask themselves a question aloud and then answer their own question to make a point?

Yes it does.

And do they usually follow this up with another question which they again answer themselves? 

Yes they do.

If I die an organ donor and my organs are used to save a person's life who then goes out and kills two people, where do I stand karma-wise?

I think that every election year we should also have a United States Prom and vote for a king and queen of The Prom.

And then the newspaper could tell me who Jennifer Anniston and Chuck Norris want to vote for for Prom King and Prom Queen. This is only one of the benefits of this great plan.

If I were a recovering alcoholic, those Ketel One billboards would scare the hell out of me.

I swear it makes me look in the back seat as it is.

New drinking game: Every time someone on ESPN says something obvious, you have to drink.

The psychic gave me her card in case I wanted to see her again, thus proving in finality just how not psychic she was.

Whenever I go into a Starbucks there is no recycling bin and that doesn't seem very Starbucky to me.

People who use the term 'slow cooker' instead of 'Crock Pot' are only fooling themselves.

Fortunately I've learned something about pants and houses.

Don't bother going for something bigger. If you do, your junk just fills it up in no time.

Sometimes I can't decide between one question mark or three.

Do you ever feel that way? Do you???

Welcome, New Readers! Here's the newest list of interesting things people have Googled and ended up at this blog:

what does it mean when he says "I don't deserve you" (editor's note: It means exactly what you think it means.)
david wilson's blog
clever sayings for pretzels
im men let us talko
nother, not a word
I don't want to be loved (editor's note: I got this multiple times. Sad. Cheer up, people!)
"maybe i wouldn't"
lol confession
david wilson
shortest twins on mopeds
writers strike picket sign sayings
met with my ex at the shop but he was so cold
why I'm voting for edwards
bukowski died
how to conga line dance
diagrams of a cow
husband thinks I'm paranoid no sex
whom may I say

And now a word from my mother via email.

Amy, I tried to make a comment on your blog but "google" said I already had an account but I don't know the password. So, now a half hour later, I just wanted to say it's Who may I say is calling? , because "who" is subject of the verb "is" , therefore, nominative case. In the other sentence "whom" is correct because it is object of the preposition "for", therefore, objective case.

I will feel so much safer once Marion Jones is behind bars.

"For Whom the Bell Tolls" and "Whom may I say is calling?" Otherwise it's 'who.'

This grammatical advice comes from my friend Sheila, who I know is right because she designs children's textbooks.

There are now 7 STAR hotels.

This is the equivalent of Gillette adding another blade to their razor.

I like the airplanes I fly in to be perfect.

If my window shade is broken or magazine pocket is frayed, I wonder what else on the plane has seen better days.
That's why I love airplane bathrooms. I love how they are designed so the light comes on only if you lock the door, ensuring that you'll never forget to lock it. And even if you do forget and someone opens the door, the light is off! The shadow of darkness shields your dignity! Whenever I'm tinkling 35,000 feet over this great Earth I find myself hoping the engines, instrument panels and landing gear were designed with such great forethought.

I wish there were a print equivalent of the air quote.

Regular quotation marks "come close."

I've mentioned seeing bags in trees and birds in malls. (3/29 post) But this morning I saw TREES IN BAGS.

Just sitting by the side of the road waiting to be picked up. There has to be a better way to deal with Christmas trees.

On some days parenting is a rewarding, enriching experience.

On other days it's just me against the hamper.

theshortestadviceforahappy2008intheworld

See the good.
See the bad.
Choose the view that makes you happy.