Lost Cat

We get a lot of the posters in our neighborhood. "LOST CAT" with a big picture of the cat. I always wonder if the cat comes by and sees his own picture on the lightpost.
Or if it's like Match.com for other stray/lost cats.

Theshortestbookreviewintheworld.

The Kite Runner.
Excellent beginning.
Enlightening middle.
Scooby Doo ending.

"This one goes to 11."

is the comedic equivalent to "We're going to need a bigger boat."

Six things I learned on my summer vacation.

1. PMS + 6 year old son + Statue of Liberty = Not a grand day out in NYC.
2. Disneyland has nothing on Times Square.
3. Pinwheel cookies that have spent 20 minutes in the freezer are better than Pinwheel cookies that have spent 8 seconds in the microwave.
4. People start drinking early at Holiday Inn on a Saturday.
5. Delaware has a store called “Ham Radio Supercenter” right next to a store called “Gun Outlet.” They also have many stores called "Affordable Divorce." I don't know whether the three are related.
6. In a pinch, $6 wine from 7-11 will do.
7. My husband comes by it honestly.

Look, kids! Big Ben!

I'll be on vacation until August 27th. Have a great week!

I don't like when alive people do duets with dead people.

nft

Twins.

I always feel sad and a little bit guilty when I crack open an egg and find two yolks.

And now a word from our readers!

JD from Philly writes:
Did you ever notice how NO ONE ever drinks tomato juice? You never see it at anyone's house. You’re never offered it as a drink. Except on an airplane. And I swear at least 3 people in surrounding rows will order tomato juice???????

Good point, JD. I'm no expert, but I'm guessing each of those imbibers has a different motivation. Perhaps Passenger #1 has calculated the cost of tomato juice vs. the cost of Dr. Pepper and, even though he doesn't like tomato juice, is ordering it just to squeeze every last penny out of the airline. Passenger #2 has pondered the staining quality of tomato juice added to the turbulence factor of air travel and ordered the red concoction to support her therapist's postulation that she hates herself. Passenger #3 may be simply offering evidence to God that if he lets this plane land safely she will start making healthier decisions about her life. But I’m no expert and it is quite an interesting observation. Thanks for writing!

Three things I have regretted saying to a four year old.

1. Did your dad check way, way, way under the bed?
2. Knock knock.
3. Can you count to 100?

NBC has a pro-awareness public service campaign called "The More You Know."

Trust me when I tell you it does not apply to fruit flies.

I like to imagine doormen and bellhops in their underwear.

It's not a sexual thing or a fear of public speaking thing. I just like to think about who this person was just before he put on a costume picked out by someone else.

Luck. Irony. Coincidence.

Compare and contrast.

Am I right in assuming we all secretly hate parades?

Shouldn't we all just fess up and do away with them or are we going to keep dragging our kids out and making fakers out of the next generation, as well?
(Love a parade? Please rebut.)

Americans officially have too little to worry about.

I just counted 57 choices of dental floss at my CVS.

nft. wtf?

On a recently recieved email, the subject line reads: I like your blog. //nft.
Baffled by the nft, I quickly open the email. Nothing's there. I spend 15 minutes racking my brain as to what nft could mean. I'm stumped. I spend another 10 minutes trying to figure out what it could be if the middle word isn't f$%# or f$%#ing. Still nothing. So I reply to the sender and ask what nft stands for. Hours go by in which I am unable to completely focus on what I'm doing because n, f and t words are racing through my brain. Finally she replies. It means "no further text", thus saving me all that time of clicking on the email and discovering the horrifying news for myself.

nft.

So, as to not scar the landscape

my town continues to plant 8' trees five feet in front of every stop sign.

Could this be the best and the worst day of my life?

This morning at the exact moment that I flipped on the bathroom light someone's car alarm went off, making me feel like I set the car alarm off with the light switch. I love that. But then I got in the shower and accidentally put my conditioner on before my shampoo and I was right back where I started.

I beat the orchid.

See April 3, 2007.

The Celebrity Circle Of Life.

Last night, in three commercials I saw in succession, Alex Tribeck tried to sell me Life Insurance, Robert Wagner tried to sell me a Reverse Mortgage and Sally Field tried to sell me Osteoporosis medicine.

A very special entry.

I almost got in a wreck this morning.The car in front of me on the highway came screeching to a halt. I followed suit. In turn, each of the cars behind me did as well. Fortunately no cars made contact, but my five year old hurt his shoulders on the straps of his carseat. (I think he was really just scared.) When we got home he was still crying. I hugged him and he nearly strangled me as he hugged me back. The hug lasted a long time. I couldn't let go. I could only think about what if things had not turned out so well and I had to spend the rest of my life aching to have this moment with him just one more time.

Chickenfight!

The Beckhams vs. Brangelina!

My brand new $850 drier does not dry my clothes.

Here's a transcript of my last call to the manufacturer:
Me: It's still not drying my clothes.
Him: Well, it won't get your clothes perfectly dry.
Me: Why?
Him: It's designed to leave your clothes damp. It's better for the material.
Me: But it's called a DRIER, not a damper.
Him: It will never make them very dry. It's bad for the clothing.
Me: But I'm setting it on "VERY DRY" mode. If that mode leaves them damp, shouldn't it be called "LESS DAMP MODE"?
Him: It will never make them very dry. It's bad for the clothing.
Me: What if I were a smoker and bought a pack of cigarettes? Yes, they would be very bad for me, but I'd also be very angry if I opened the package and found asparagus.
Him: It will not ever make them very dry. It's bad for the clothing.

I could see we were getting nowhere. So I hung up and continued to fold my damp clothes. I won't tell you the name of this drier. I'm afraid my blog readership base, which is surely in the millions by now, could alter their stock unfairly.

Forget Scooter Libby. Pardon this guy!

When you rob a bank with branches hiding your face you deserve a parade, not prison. Well done, Mr. Almost-Bank-Robber-Man!

Well, this is the new Dave.

I overheard this in an office building. I don't know Dave at all, but I'm pretty sure there is no New Dave.

It's either too long or too short.

Never tell anyone how long you take in the shower.

When I'm feeling sorry for myself

I hate strangers. Not all strangers. But some.

Thunderlight = Lightning

We're all poets at 2.

Great meeting!

I hope I never say it and mean it.

Let's change the world one finger at a time.

The next time you're on the road and someone in another car does something inexplicably stupid or mean, don't go flipping Mr. Tallman. Throw Mr. Pointer in the mix. Now, instead of saying, $#@! you, you're saying Peace Out! And there's no telling what kind of change it will make in the recipient. It just may inspire that really bad driver to go out and sweep a sidewalk or pass on the veal!
Peace.

LOL confession

Sometimes I type it, even when I'm really not.

The five things I hear when I tell people I grew up in Oklahoma.

1. (singing) Oooooooklahoma where the hmm hmm hmm hmm hmmhm hmmmmm.
2. Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma!
3. Really?
4. Do you know any rope tricks? (Only heard once, but it's worth mentioning.)
5. Are you a foreign exchange student? (Again, only heard once, but it's worth mentioning.)

For those of you who check this blog often I will be on vacation back in Oklahoma for the next week and, therefore, not updating the blog. Please check back on June 25th. And, by the way, the end of that sentence in #1 is: where the wind comes sweeping down the plain.

Kate Hudson.

Is so much like Goldie Hawn she just kind of seems redundant. Though fabulously redundant.

Too many small families are driving big, giant cars.

New rule. You can't buy a car unless you and your family can push it five inches.

This just in.

The guy on the left (Adm. Michael Mullen) is going to replace the guy on the right (Gen Peter Pace) as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. You have to admit, they are even better than the two Darrens.

Sometimes my husband thinks I'm paranoid.

I'm not. Just a little edgy. He doesn't realize how stressful it can be to have Spell Check antagonizing you all day.

That's young for nuns.

Just overheard at Starbucks.

Men in ties.

Some men look perfectly comfortable while wearing a tie. Others seem to be choking. Gasping for air. Dying a slow death. I wonder how often the tie is metaphorically accurate to the job/woman/event the man is wearing it for.

If your last name is Koch I will vote for you.

I promise. It makes my day to see the signs. Just this morning I was in a bad mood, then I saw a sign that said: KOCH FOR QUINCY. So here's a guy with a last name like that and he says to himself, "I should put that name on signs and hang them all over town." That's moxie! If I lived in Quincy, he'd have my vote.
I do not feel the same about the optomitrist in Providence whose billboard I saw on 95N. His last name is Koch and he named his practice Koch Eye. He's not touching my eyes.

Talko.

A talko is like a typo, but in speech. Like when my car broke down and I didn't have a cell phone and I went up to a stranger's house to ask if I could borrow their phone. Instead I said, "My car broke down. Can I borrow your car?"
A talko is sometimes more awkward than a typo.

Learn from my morning.

If you ever find yourself wondering if there is any reason you shouldn't leave your blueberry smoothie mixing in the blender while you run down and put on a load of laundry, the answer is yes.

Everytime I give a present

I can't help but think of the present I would get in return if I were one of the characters in the "Gift of the Magi" story.
Only, since I usually give up money to buy the present I'm giving, in my "Gift of the Magi" fantasy I always get a wallet.

To me

John Cusack looks like the cartoon version of Ed Norton.

I was at church yesterday.

Yes, I was.
And it was confirmation day. There were 6 eigth graders at the front of the church. Five were in very fancy confirmation clothes. One was in jeans and a "Stop genocide in Darfur" t-shirt. I sat there and prayed that I could be the kind of parent who raised that kid.

Do birds think they're above us?

It doesn't take much.

When I walk into a ladies room, in an office or hotel lobby or something, and the seat is flipped up as if it has not been touched since it has been cleaned, I just feel like a princess. Or at least a B-list celebrity.

14 1/2.

That is the age when it stops being acceptable to wear another man's name on the back of your shirt. I don't care how many World Series he has won.

Somebody just told me Charles Bukowski died posthumously.

I was confused until another friend explained that this means he died after eating hummus.
Carry on.

Met my old lover in the grocery store.

Oh wait, that wasn't me. That was Dan Fogelberg.
If you've ever run into an old lover, or Dan Fogelberg, in a grocery store, please comment.

I do not like dogs

but every dog owner insists that their dog is the one dog I will like.

Denial

is a lit cigarette peeking out the tiny crack of an open window on the driver's side of a Land Cruiser doing twenty on the Mass Turnpike.

Those diagrams of the cow that tell you where your steak was a few days ago.

Why?

When I'm on an elevator

I look around and imagine how things would go if there ware an instantaneous catastrophe in the world outside and we, the inhabitors of the elevator, were left to repopulate the world and reconstruct society.

Large corporations should have several press photos of their CEO.

They should have happy ones. Sad ones. Maybe even a remorseful one. And they should send the appropriate photo to major news outlets when big stories break. If they would do this, we wouldn't have to read a headline that says "XYZ CORPORATION TO LAYOFF 50,000 EMPLOYESS" and see a little square press photo of XYZ's CEO smiling ever again.

When I can't find my cell phone in my house

I call it with the landline so it will ring. And then, when I find it, I automatically look to see who is calling. (Because it's ringing.) And then, for a nanosecond, I am surprised to see it's me calling. This happens every single time.

The Son of Sam A. Sample

It's the story of a direct mail letter writer gone mad.

No man is an island.

But I've met some peninsulas.

You heard it here first.

Twenty-four hour news channels will be the downfall of our civilization.

When I use the last square of toilet paper

I always feel a little bit sad. Like I lost some kind of weird lottery.

Is everyone's own name

their favorite name?

Reese Witherspoon. Jake Gyllenhaal.

Same chin.

Dora the Explorer pinatas are so disturbing.

To see a bunch of four and five year olds wacking away at that poor girl as she hangs from a rope on a stick. It's dismal.

I know this is wrong.

Whenever I come across a Magic 8 Ball, I ask it a question and then I kind of give its answer some credence. It's not that I believe it, but I have to admit that I do consider it's opinion.

I'll do anything for you.

You can only say that to one person in your life and mean it.

Parenting karma.

When you're a really, really good mom in this life you get to come back as dad in the next.
I just know it.

When you're in a convertible with the top up

and you pass someone in a convertible with the top down, you feel shame.

My mother's answer to the drug problem

Is to stop selling zip lock baggies.

Every woman has one.

The husband voice. (Or boyfriend voice. Whatever.) It’s the voice she uses to quote her husband when talking to her friends. It is usually used when she feels he is wrong, being annoying, being irresponsible or asking questions to which the answers have already been explained many, many times.
I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it is.

Funnier than Borat

http://www.boston.com/news/odd/articles/2007/04/07/movie_mistake_families_get_horror_film/

Sometimes it should be acceptable to replace $ with !

For example:
These eggs cost $2.39 a dozen.
My health insurance costs !1200.00 a month.

4 things I've learned from stick figures.

I should not put my hand in between two gears.
I should not put my hand inside that gray box.
Infants do not go in the dryer.
Three people should stand shoulder to shoulder when they are together in an elevator.

Everyone's a comedian.

This is a popular saying, but it's not true. If it were, McDonald's would serve breakfast until 2pm and 80% of the population would be borderline alcoholics.* Oh yeah, and everyone would be funnier.

*This in no way reflects on my brother, Roy Johnson, who is a comedian and is not a boderline alcoholic.

At what age does this happen?

You buy a plant and wonder who will live longer: you or the plant.

How I got bangs.

Me: Isn't it so dorky how all these women are getting bangs just because Reese Witherspoon had them at the Oscars?
My stylist: Yeah.
Me: Have a lot of women been asking for them?
My stylist: Bangs? Oh yeah. Tons. I've been doing a lot of bangs.
Me: That is so ridiculous. One woman wears bangs to one party and now every woman in the country wants bangs. (eye roll) It's pathetic.
My stylist: Actually, I think you would look good in bangs.
Me: Really?
My stylist: Yeah, want to try it?
Me: Okay!

Just in case you didn't know: tiny jets.

You know those tiny jets that have two seats on one side of the aisle and one seat on the other and the seats are really, really close together? Just in case you didn't already know, the RECLINE feature on those seats is like the ashtray in your car. It is not meant to be actually used, it's just there because it has to be. If you doubt me, the next time you get on one of those tiny jets ask the person sitting behind you.

Rate the pain.

At Physical Therapy today. I hear the PT next to me ask his patient to, "Rate your pain on a scale from one to ten. One being no pain and ten being the most excruciating pain ever." Now, isn't that a question that tells you more about the patient than the pain?

When I was a kid I called her Cindy.

I've realized that a blog is really just an imaginary friend for grown ups. You tell it things, it says absolutely nothing in return. It's what we've all been missing since we were four.

I see.

Bags in trees. Birds in malls.

So, I quit my job.

Isn't that the #1 reason for starting a blog?
Now I'm a freelancer. I love being a freelancer.

You learn a lot working from home. Like, the first day I worked from home I learned that we have a really hot mailman. Then the second day I worked from home I learned that the mailman isn't really that hot, he just has a great back of the head.

This is my first entry.

I am blogging.
I'm a blogger.
I blog.