It seems like everybody just wants everybody ELSE to stop texting while driving.

10 and 2, friends.

.

The 1st jelly bean is so much better than the 57th.

Starbucks on Easter is adorable. Nobody knows the drill.

My kids are weighing their heads. Too many snow days?

Okay, okay...I won't order the seafood.

It was really thoughtful of them to repeat the phone number in an email.

Tricky vampires.

I like the Starbucks baristas who talk to me like we both know they're there for the health insurance.

For loner babies.

The boxes are still the best part of the gift.

Did they really name their company Ho Logic?

I love that little kids aren't embarrassed to wear diapers.

I think there is a lesson in here for all of us.

Just got back from Target.

Look out world! The Flanagan boys are wearing pants all the way down to the ankles tomorrow.

.

Poor thing. Has no idea what's coming.

Happy Halloween!

Why would anyone go fishing during a hurricane?

Aren't the fish already having a bad enough day?

The white flag of motherhood.

We were psyched to discover the other dad exploring the tide pools with us happened to be a marine biologist.

He was psyched he finally got to yell, "Yes, I'm a marine biologist!" on a beach.

In the great big sky I saw one silly-shaped little cloud and let out a sigh of relief knowing Dr. Seuss was in charge today.

My 10yo was cast as Mowgli in The Jungle Book.

I'm pretty sure the way he shows up in the morning looking like he was raised by wolves got him the part.

Getting your ice cream in a cup is like sitting in a jacuzzi without bubbles.

Sure, it's still getting the job done, but it's just not what you should do with friends.


.

This morning I had to use a port-a-potty and there was a mirror in it.

Who wants to see themselves in a port-a-potty?


.

Have you noticed that everyone thinks they are the most sane person in their family?

This, of course, is impossible. But I think it's proof we're all nuts.

Suspiciously similar. Because it's better than looking for "anyone"?

Today my car failed inspection because the license plates were too banged up.

Maybe it's not my license plates they should take away.

On the first beautiful spring day in Boston, it's easy to think winter will never return.

Why do recipes always tell me to save time by chopping things ahead? Are there more hours in the day before the day I want dinner?

If what comes around really goes around none of us will ever need to buy new bubblewrap.

I should never know what color gum you are chewing.

Wouldn't it be great if art was currency so the kind of people who spent their whole lives thinking about art ruled the world?

Wait. This is optional?

If I had made a New Year's resolution to have Ben and Jerry's for breakfast more often I would be doing great right now.

It just doesn't seem like enough.

This year, instead of Halloween decorations, the general disrepair of my house will have to do.

I forgot to take my son to Mindfullness class yesterday, so instead I homeschooled him in irony.

Even the logo looks bored.

Never call an audible on your undergarments, ladies.

A bra in the trashcan spotted late night at a party at the Museum of Fine Arts. If you thought you needed a bra before you started drinking, you probably still need one after.

Homonyms can be dangerous.

Acupuncturist: I'm going to put the needles right into your sole.
Me: WHAT?? MY SOUL??
Acupuncturist: Don't worry, they're tiny needles and I do it right up by the toes.

I now have one in 4th grade and the other starting middle school.

I think I'm having a mid-school crisis.

Watching 24-hour news channels is like watching professional wrestling.

Whenever I'm at an exciting landmark with my family I'm always tempted to ask a stranger to take our picture. But with their camera.

Imagine there's no laundry.

John Lennon's lesser known lyrics.

Today I saw a woman driving a Prius throw a cigarette out her window.

I am too confused by this to even comment.

Some women love to cook for their husbands. I love to bring mine leftovers.

The first contact after he'd been out filming deep sea fishing for a week.

.

Right now I'm at a hotel in New York that is so hip I can't figure out how to turn off the light.

I love the word "guy". So often he's certainly not a boy, but you can't really go with 'man'.

This is becoming the worst version of "Who's on First" ever.

Today was a Pompeii day.

My husband will come home to unmade beds. Bread still in the toaster. Half glasses of milk on the counter.

Who is more exhausted, the person who blames others for their own mistakes or the person who blames themself for everyone else's?

From my 11 yo, at the mall on Mother's Day.

"It would be funny if there were a big chair set up and people lined up to sit on a mom's lap and get their picture taken."

I wonder what percentage of all content in autobiographies is true.

And is it higher or lower than the percentage of content shared with therapists that's true?

Shampoo can be cruel.

Winter may be long and cold, but in the end we always win.

There are a few items in my closet that have some nerve thinking they're going to be dry cleaned.

Lost a glove in NYC. If anyone is in New York and finds a black glove, it's probably mine.

I love how the whole country just somehow knows that #2 means, you know, #2.

It's the one thing we can all come together on. It never has to be made official or taught by anyone. Total harmony. That's why, when people say "Sh** happens," I assume they are talking about Americans uniting in harmonious agreement.

You can tell a lot about somone by whether they wipe down the treadmill before or after they exercise.

Is it me or is the emoticon smiley face so much friendlier with a nose?

Any nose.
:0)
:o)
:O)
:-)
:–)
:^)

I hope the oven repair guy doesn't ask how long the oven hasn't been working.

No clue.

There is just no unawkward way to wash a zucchini.

As of today I've been a mother for 11 years. Wondering when I'll get good at it.

This is me guest blogging on another site.

Right here.
But I swear, my job is not as easy as it sounds.
It's as fun as it sounds, but not as easy as it sounds.

I hate when Americans talk about "Americans."

Oh, wait.

Weird how something that makes you feel so cheery on December 18th can make you feel like sticking a fork in your eye on January 18th.

Christmas' hangover.

Kids don't balk at wearing hand-me-down underwear. That shows you how little power comes with being a kid.

On New Year's Eve in a pub in Fairfield, OH, I had my makeup done by Candy who used to be a makeup artist but now works on the base to make more money

It's always a good idea to drive across the country.

"The Charlie Brown Christmas song sounds like happy loneliness." -my 10 year old

What if Purgatory is that when you die you have to sit and read all the Terms & Conditions and Contracts you signed without reading in your lifetime?

The sherrif's department just came to serve an eviction notice to a person who does not live here.

My very first thought was, "Wow, is he under here somewhere?"

My house went 6 days without a square of toilet paper anywhere. One more day and I think we would have become a common law fraternity.

I have given in and just started buying the boys colorful clothes so the hamper looks pretty when it's overflowing.

Coming back from Canada, I almost got fined $5000 for accidentally driving through the wrong check booth at US Customs and Border Control.

I'm not asking for bigger government. Just a government with bigger signs.

All my jogging bras have mysteriously disappeared, which leads me to believe that I misunderstood their name and they have actual run away.

I have never attended a Thanksgiving dinner where nobody expressed doubts about the turkey thermometer.

I don't think it's a good sign when your physical therapist asks if there is any way you could become left handed.

If you stick your head into the washing machine as it's filling it sounds like a magnificent waterfall.

It probably helps if you are really tired at the time.

Know what happens when you accidentally arrive at the mall an hour before it opens with your 8 year old? You park right next to Santa.

Who knew Santa drove a red Hyundai? Or smoked?

I got tennis elbow from sitting on my ass typing on my computer. Wish I could get a tennis ass by sitting on my elbows typing on my computer.

As soon as I had kids my marriage turned into a game of chicken.

Who will move first on the towering laundry? The uncooked dinner? The mysterious odor?

Married people should not talk about their sex life unless they are referring to a lack there of. Any other reference is just creepy.

Carpe remote?

Those people in the John Hancock commercials should just pick up the phone and call each other.

They are all one step away from separate bathtubs.

Have you ever washed a whole box of Rice Krispies down the sink?

It's loud.

Marriage is awesome. And I mean that 100% sarcastically and 100% sincerely all at the same time.

And, by the way, I have the best husband in the whole wide world. (I mean that sincerely.) And today is our 14th anniversary.

By the looks of his iTunes receipts, I don't think I have to worry about peer pressure getting to my 8 year old anytime soon.

My laptop knows all my secrets.

I think it's ironic that I don't know what the inside of my nose smells like.

I'm sure it has an odor that I am just so accustomed to I no longer notice.

Wrong.

Yup.

I wish this worked in my line of work.
Due date: When it's done.

Does British Airways save money by not having to have a human deliver the message every time they are about to crash into the sea?

I find myself wondering how many takes they did on this recording.

Why isn't combobulated a word? What can't there be moments when everything comes together and makes total sense?

How can there be a 'dis' version of a non-word? I would like that word.

Friend: Amy, how did that project turn out?
Amy: Oh, it was fantastic. At first things were hectic and unorganized, but just in time everything became combobulated.
Friend: That's great! And, by the way, here's a million dollars.

I could do without the "ifty" words. Thrifty. Nifty. Fifty-fifty.

"Shifty" is the only word from this category with any redeeming value.

As I walked into the airport terminal he jumped out of the car, ran to me and hugged me as if he never wanted to let go.

It was just like in the movies. Except he was eight.

Forever. It isn't as long as it used to be. (As pointed out by my 8 year old.)

I have given in to :) but will never give in to ;).

Oh, I'll probably give in to that one too. :)

I think Monsanto is behind Farmville.

I am a big fan of antiperspirant. But I wish there were also such a thing as a perspirant so I could look more impressive at the gym.

The Poland Spring Resort sells Poland Spring Water by the bottle. If I order tap do they ship it in from Massachusetts?

Decided to just go out and drink from the lake instead.