This year, instead of Halloween decorations, the general disrepair of my house will have to do.

I forgot to take my son to Mindfullness class yesterday, so instead I homeschooled him in irony.

Even the logo looks bored.

Never call an audible on your undergarments, ladies.

A bra in the trashcan spotted late night at a party at the Museum of Fine Arts. If you thought you needed a bra before you started drinking, you probably still need one after.

Homonyms can be dangerous.

Acupuncturist: I'm going to put the needles right into your sole.
Me: WHAT?? MY SOUL??
Acupuncturist: Don't worry, they're tiny needles and I do it right up by the toes.

I now have one in 4th grade and the other starting middle school.

I think I'm having a mid-school crisis.

Watching 24-hour news channels is like watching professional wrestling.

Whenever I'm at an exciting landmark with my family I'm always tempted to ask a stranger to take our picture. But with their camera.

Imagine there's no laundry.

John Lennon's lesser known lyrics.

Today I saw a woman driving a Prius throw a cigarette out her window.

I am too confused by this to even comment.

Some women love to cook for their husbands. I love to bring mine leftovers.

The first contact after he'd been out filming deep sea fishing for a week.

.

Right now I'm at a hotel in New York that is so hip I can't figure out how to turn off the light.

I love the word "guy". So often he's certainly not a boy, but you can't really go with 'man'.

This is becoming the worst version of "Who's on First" ever.

Today was a Pompeii day.

My husband will come home to unmade beds. Bread still in the toaster. Half glasses of milk on the counter.

Who is more exhausted, the person who blames others for their own mistakes or the person who blames themself for everyone else's?

From my 11 yo, at the mall on Mother's Day.

"It would be funny if there were a big chair set up and people lined up to sit on a mom's lap and get their picture taken."

I wonder what percentage of all content in autobiographies is true.

And is it higher or lower than the percentage of content shared with therapists that's true?

Shampoo can be cruel.

Winter may be long and cold, but in the end we always win.

There are a few items in my closet that have some nerve thinking they're going to be dry cleaned.

Lost a glove in NYC. If anyone is in New York and finds a black glove, it's probably mine.

I love how the whole country just somehow knows that #2 means, you know, #2.

It's the one thing we can all come together on. It never has to be made official or taught by anyone. Total harmony. That's why, when people say "Sh** happens," I assume they are talking about Americans uniting in harmonious agreement.

You can tell a lot about somone by whether they wipe down the treadmill before or after they exercise.

Is it me or is the emoticon smiley face so much friendlier with a nose?

Any nose.
:0)
:o)
:O)
:-)
:–)
:^)

I hope the oven repair guy doesn't ask how long the oven hasn't been working.

No clue.

There is just no unawkward way to wash a zucchini.

As of today I've been a mother for 11 years. Wondering when I'll get good at it.

This is me guest blogging on another site.

Right here.
But I swear, my job is not as easy as it sounds.
It's as fun as it sounds, but not as easy as it sounds.

I hate when Americans talk about "Americans."

Oh, wait.

Weird how something that makes you feel so cheery on December 18th can make you feel like sticking a fork in your eye on January 18th.

Christmas' hangover.

Kids don't balk at wearing hand-me-down underwear. That shows you how little power comes with being a kid.

On New Year's Eve in a pub in Fairfield, OH, I had my makeup done by Candy who used to be a makeup artist but now works on the base to make more money

It's always a good idea to drive across the country.

"The Charlie Brown Christmas song sounds like happy loneliness." -my 10 year old

What if Purgatory is that when you die you have to sit and read all the Terms & Conditions and Contracts you signed without reading in your lifetime?

The sherrif's department just came to serve an eviction notice to a person who does not live here.

My very first thought was, "Wow, is he under here somewhere?"

My house went 6 days without a square of toilet paper anywhere. One more day and I think we would have become a common law fraternity.

I have given in and just started buying the boys colorful clothes so the hamper looks pretty when it's overflowing.

Coming back from Canada, I almost got fined $5000 for accidentally driving through the wrong check booth at US Customs and Border Control.

I'm not asking for bigger government. Just a government with bigger signs.

All my jogging bras have mysteriously disappeared, which leads me to believe that I misunderstood their name and they have actual run away.

I have never attended a Thanksgiving dinner where nobody expressed doubts about the turkey thermometer.

I don't think it's a good sign when your physical therapist asks if there is any way you could become left handed.

If you stick your head into the washing machine as it's filling it sounds like a magnificent waterfall.

It probably helps if you are really tired at the time.

Know what happens when you accidentally arrive at the mall an hour before it opens with your 8 year old? You park right next to Santa.

Who knew Santa drove a red Hyundai? Or smoked?

I got tennis elbow from sitting on my ass typing on my computer. Wish I could get a tennis ass by sitting on my elbows typing on my computer.

As soon as I had kids my marriage turned into a game of chicken.

Who will move first on the towering laundry? The uncooked dinner? The mysterious odor?

Married people should not talk about their sex life unless they are referring to a lack there of. Any other reference is just creepy.

Carpe remote?

Those people in the John Hancock commercials should just pick up the phone and call each other.

They are all one step away from separate bathtubs.

Have you ever washed a whole box of Rice Krispies down the sink?

It's loud.

Marriage is awesome. And I mean that 100% sarcastically and 100% sincerely all at the same time.

And, by the way, I have the best husband in the whole wide world. (I mean that sincerely.) And today is our 14th anniversary.

By the looks of his iTunes receipts, I don't think I have to worry about peer pressure getting to my 8 year old anytime soon.

My laptop knows all my secrets.

I think it's ironic that I don't know what the inside of my nose smells like.

I'm sure it has an odor that I am just so accustomed to I no longer notice.

Wrong.

Yup.

I wish this worked in my line of work.
Due date: When it's done.

Does British Airways save money by not having to have a human deliver the message every time they are about to crash into the sea?

I find myself wondering how many takes they did on this recording.

Why isn't combobulated a word? What can't there be moments when everything comes together and makes total sense?

How can there be a 'dis' version of a non-word? I would like that word.

Friend: Amy, how did that project turn out?
Amy: Oh, it was fantastic. At first things were hectic and unorganized, but just in time everything became combobulated.
Friend: That's great! And, by the way, here's a million dollars.

I could do without the "ifty" words. Thrifty. Nifty. Fifty-fifty.

"Shifty" is the only word from this category with any redeeming value.

As I walked into the airport terminal he jumped out of the car, ran to me and hugged me as if he never wanted to let go.

It was just like in the movies. Except he was eight.

Forever. It isn't as long as it used to be. (As pointed out by my 8 year old.)

I have given in to :) but will never give in to ;).

Oh, I'll probably give in to that one too. :)

I think Monsanto is behind Farmville.

I am a big fan of antiperspirant. But I wish there were also such a thing as a perspirant so I could look more impressive at the gym.

The Poland Spring Resort sells Poland Spring Water by the bottle. If I order tap do they ship it in from Massachusetts?

Decided to just go out and drink from the lake instead.

Dear Top 40 radio station, 40. Really? Perhaps you should change your name to top 17.

Just got back from an amazing vacation in the middle of Maine where people really know what the important things in life are.

Hint: New cars and new shoes are not two of them.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Maine.
Every time I visit a new state, I like this country even more.

It's weird that those guys stay in such good shape only playing soccer once every four years.

Go, World Cup!

What I learned this summer: Just because you have a rearview camera doesn't mean you don't have to look out the frontview window.

Oh, look. I'm low on wiper fluid.

I am blogging at 35,000 feet on American Airlines and still I want it to be free. What is wrong with me?

When my parents were kids they had to blog uphill both ways.

I think the whole idea of black holes was invented by super smart people to freak the rest of us out.

It is their way of getting revenge for taking so much abuse in school. If you listen to the description of a black hole it was obviously thought of by someone as they were receiving a good, old-fashioned swirly.

Yesterday I turned 43 and finally became mature enough not to pillage all the shampoos, lotions, soaps and note pads from the hotel room.

Well, I almost became mature enough not to do that. Almost.

Heads up: there actually ARE dumb questions.

I'm sorry if someone mislead you.

.

I could be the Jeff Foxworthy of my own little niche. You know your husband works in sports marketing when...

When people at your 25th year high school reunion say you look exactly the same, does that mean you looked like a 42 year old lady in high school?

My mom is recovering from spinal surgery like a true champion. When I grow up I want to be just like her.

Always have "yes" in your heart, but a gatekeeper between your heart and your mouth.

Two tools I wish I could use in real life: "COMMAND + Z" and "Clear Cache".

I may be stuck in traffic, but at least I have something to read.

I am amazed how quickly a can of "less than 50% peanuts" becomes a can of peanuts.

TODAY'S GUEST BLOGGER IS BETH WEISS FROM SOUTH DAKOTA. THANK YOU, BETH!

I can either lose 15 pounds in three weeks or just tell everyone at my high school reunion that I'm pregnant.

.
I'm not, but they'll never follow up on it.

Saw John Williams and The Boston Pops tonight. That man can make me simultaneously afraid to swim in the ocean and confident my bike can fly.

There is no dignity in squeezing that last glass of wine out of the box.

Spellcheck on my iPhone just changed LIVE to LOVE. Everyone's a philosopher.

Sometimes a colon and a close parenthesis is just a colon and a close parenthesis. :)

Design Within Reach apparently does not understand my arm span.

My iPhone only works at the Apple Store. It's like the Warner Brother's frog of cell phones.

Someone should tell these people this is nut a good name.

The food at the restaurant says it's homemade. The food at the grocery store says it's restaurant quality. Now I don't know where to eat.

Someone should make a toupee for shrubs.

Sometimes those hedge clippers get a little addictive.

It would be really confusing if the world changed days at noon instead of midnight.

(Today's guest blogger: my 10 year old son, Sawyer.)

Last night the sun shined and its light went across the universe, bounced off the moon and landed right in my bedroom. How lucky am I?

I hate it when my GPS argues with me.

Foursquare would have made The Hangover a very short movie.

Two minutes into the appointment I started to wonder what exactly was going to happen here.

French drains. Sump pumps. Leveled yards. No flooding!! Now the roof is leaking. At least the money spent on swimming lessons is paying off.

There's bird poop on the snow blower. I think that trumps the groundhog seeing its shadow.