I've never utilized anything.

I use things. I like using things. I don't think utilizing anything would be fun. 

Nobody ever utilizes a water balloon.

Do you read my blog?

I'd like to know how many people read my blog, but I'm not very technical. I did sign up for sitemeter which tells me how many hits I get each day, but I don't now how many different people those hits represent. So, if you read can you just yell out, "I DO!" and I'll count you all up.

Thanks.

Whenever someone famous dies every news article lists their age (usually in the headline) proving once and for all that it is a competition.

Turns out, idle hands are not the devil's workshop.

Idling cars are. If you're going to be sitting more than 10 seconds, turn off the engine!

Did you know that for every two minutes you spend idling you use the same amount of fuel as one mile driving? Read on!

"Correct me if I'm wrong."

Why do people say this? Is there really a shortage of people who will do the job voluntarily?

Fellow Countrymen: Whether you love your cat, hate the war or care about unborn children, one bumper sticker is enough to tell the story.

Two is more than a thorough job. Really, any more in completely unnecessary.

I feel weird when store clerks compliment clothing I'm about to pay for.

I'm not sure whether to say "thank you" because technically, at that point, the clothing is still theirs.

I just saw a homeless woman wearing a Harvard sweatshirt and for a split second I thought I was looking at an editorial cartoon.

Sometimes I think we're all just open wounds on legs.

The DVR remote control has done wonders for spousal relations.

Kudos to the system that brought back seat driving into the living room. 

Stop. Stop! STOP! STOP!!!

I forgot to bring my kids to any of their activities this week.

They may be "over scheduled," but at least they're not "over participating."

Where's the shadow's shadow?

The centrifugal force of Space Mountain may have sucked mine out, but at least it left my 6-year old's brain intact.

I spent the last 7 days in Orlando and didn't have one interesting thought the whole time.

Don't get me wrong. I had a whole lot of fun. Just not a whole lot of thoughts.

I highly recommend it.

theshortestblogintheworld is on vacation!

Thanks for reading and please do come back May 12! Have a great week!

I think the Miley Cyrus photo is gorgeous.

The 15-year-old calling Annie Leibovitz "cute" was shocking, inappropriate and disturbing.

We all usually mean exactly what we say. We just might not know it yet.

I've found that parties that smell like Downy Wrinkle Release are more fun than parties that smell like Static Guard.

Suzy Bogguss just tried to sell me a neti pot on TV.

It seems to be some odd device with which organic types perform waterboarding on themselves. I think I'll just stick with letting the Dr. Pepper go up my nose.

Paper? Plastic? Invest in the reusable you may or may not remember to bring next time? I have the answer.

Edible grocery bags.

If you buy the MacBook Air online, do they send it to you in an interoffice envelope?

I like The Sign of Peace at church.

It gives me an excellent opportunity to turn around and gauge how likely the people behind me are to call DSS on me as soon as they get home.

I wonder who Monica Lewinsky is voting for.

Step 1. Put down the instruction manual.

I've heard it said that the world is evolving so quickly that if you stop to read instructions, what you are trying to learn will be outdated by the time you finish reading.

This is exactly why I don't think everybody has to go to college.

When my 8yo son told me over breakfast that he knew what sex was, there were many appropriate responses:

 1. Where did you learn about that?

2. How do you feel about it?

3. Do you have any questions?

Me? I chose:

4. Well, don't tell your brother.

Never let them put the printer near your desk.

No matter what your title (art director, head of catering, CFO), if you sit near the printer people will ask for help with it. It's as if they think proximity gives you printer wisdom. As if, while the rest of the office toils in isolation, the printer is silently sending you the untold secrets of the printing world.

I know. I'm one of those people. Where's the 11 x 17 paper?

Tact is when you remain popular even when your opinions are not.

It's Good People Day 2008! (click for details)

And I'm honoring Max Pfennighaus at Digital Influence Group! Besides being an all-around great guy, he was the first to send my blog to a bunch of Social Marketing people thus garnering me the first followers who weren't my mom. Thanks, Max! And happy Good People Day! (And thanks to Michelle for sending it to Max. You rock, too!)

You invent it. I'll promote it.

I'm starting a new feature on this blog. If you invent the products of my dreams for me, I will promote them on my blog for you.

Today's product: Face Spray.

Like hairspray only it keeps your makeup in place. (Even on the windiest of days!)

It's time once again for: What People Googled to Get to my Blog.

Welcome to you who Googled:

Picket signs sayings

If you could spend a day with somebody, who would it be

You should Google yourself

I don't want to die blogs

Who needs Waldo

Quesclamation

Tattoos

Exhibitionist

Clever sayings for bathroom walls

Tattoos are like cats.

Having one or two shows character. More than that and you're just asking for an intervention.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THESHORTESTBLOGINTHEWORLD!!

It's the one year anniversary since my very first post. Thank you all for reading! Thank you all for commenting! I don't always answer your comments, in keeping with the theme of the blog, but I read and love every one of them. AND A VERY SPECIAL THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS LINKED YOUR BLOG TO MINE! Thank you:

socialmediaguy.com

royjohnsonlive.com

unclecrappy.wordpress.com

indecision2008.com

clusterflock.org

bythewaybetch.blogspot.com

jerseysjov.blogspot.com

doesabodygood.blogspot.com

bythewaybetch.blogspot.com

anygryathsmamama.blogspot.com

cardiogirl.net

pr-squared.com

brokeindc.blogspot.com

heyheyjennay.blogspot.com

scottmonty.com

mycuppatea.wordpress.com

and all of you who mentioned me on twitter!

(If I left you out, please remind me. I'm not good at keeping track of this stuff!)

Up with hineys!

Down with a terrible cold, I literally blew through every tissue in the house. Substituting with tp, I was shocked to realize how not-as-soft-as-our-facial-tissues our tp is! Unfair to hineys! Now I'm on a pro-hiney campaign. Please remember hiney rights in your home.

And now a word from my six year old.

You know when you play Hangman? What did that guy DO?

I would like to see eBay sell itself on eBay.

What if this is hell?

You have to sit in a room and listen to every word you said while you where alive.

Barack Obama is doing fine in the Presidential race now, but just wait until Geraldine Ferraro leaks that he fathered a black child.

If you want to keep your job DO NOT make this face.

 

I want to read a blog in which Nicole Kidman goes to SXSW and reports on which bloggers have had lipo, need to go to rehab or slept w/other bloggers.

I'll pass on the blogger "no underwear shots."

XM radio offers a conservative talk station and a liberal talk station thus saving us all from the awkwardness of hearing the other side of the story.

I'm recycling paper breasts.

I bought some bras off of gap.com. When they arrived the cups were stuffed with paper breasts. 

I had already bought the bras. No further seduction was necessary. 

Without self-hatred there would be fewer marriages.

And virtually no divorce. 

Facebook and the answering machine.

A friend said he will not join Facebook or anything like it because, "If I want to get in touch with someone, I'll just email them." This reminded me of my father once saying, "If it's important, they'll call back." 

Watch as I control your mind.

Knock knock.

"Going Oprah on your ass!" You heard it here first.

Like "going postal" only "going Oprah" refers to pummeling someone with tales of spiritual optimism and assurance that the universe is aligning to make you the best darn you you can be. Having someone "go postal" or "go Oprah" on you can be equally as traumatic.

ex: "When I told my sister about getting towed the same day I found out my husband had run away with the mailman and "Friday Night Lights" was being cancelled, I really just wanted to split a bottle of Jack Daniels. Instead she went all Oprah on my ass!"

Does it drive me crazy when people ask themselves a question aloud and then answer their own question to make a point?

Yes it does.

And do they usually follow this up with another question which they again answer themselves? 

Yes they do.

If I die an organ donor and my organs are used to save a person's life who then goes out and kills two people, where do I stand karma-wise?

I think that every election year we should also have a United States Prom and vote for a king and queen of The Prom.

And then the newspaper could tell me who Jennifer Anniston and Chuck Norris want to vote for for Prom King and Prom Queen. This is only one of the benefits of this great plan.

If I were a recovering alcoholic, those Ketel One billboards would scare the hell out of me.

I swear it makes me look in the back seat as it is.

New drinking game: Every time someone on ESPN says something obvious, you have to drink.

The psychic gave me her card in case I wanted to see her again, thus proving in finality just how not psychic she was.

Whenever I go into a Starbucks there is no recycling bin and that doesn't seem very Starbucky to me.

People who use the term 'slow cooker' instead of 'Crock Pot' are only fooling themselves.

Fortunately I've learned something about pants and houses.

Don't bother going for something bigger. If you do, your junk just fills it up in no time.

Sometimes I can't decide between one question mark or three.

Do you ever feel that way? Do you???

Welcome, New Readers! Here's the newest list of interesting things people have Googled and ended up at this blog:

what does it mean when he says "I don't deserve you" (editor's note: It means exactly what you think it means.)
david wilson's blog
clever sayings for pretzels
im men let us talko
nother, not a word
I don't want to be loved (editor's note: I got this multiple times. Sad. Cheer up, people!)
"maybe i wouldn't"
lol confession
david wilson
shortest twins on mopeds
writers strike picket sign sayings
met with my ex at the shop but he was so cold
why I'm voting for edwards
bukowski died
how to conga line dance
diagrams of a cow
husband thinks I'm paranoid no sex
whom may I say

And now a word from my mother via email.

Amy, I tried to make a comment on your blog but "google" said I already had an account but I don't know the password. So, now a half hour later, I just wanted to say it's Who may I say is calling? , because "who" is subject of the verb "is" , therefore, nominative case. In the other sentence "whom" is correct because it is object of the preposition "for", therefore, objective case.

I will feel so much safer once Marion Jones is behind bars.

"For Whom the Bell Tolls" and "Whom may I say is calling?" Otherwise it's 'who.'

This grammatical advice comes from my friend Sheila, who I know is right because she designs children's textbooks.

There are now 7 STAR hotels.

This is the equivalent of Gillette adding another blade to their razor.

I like the airplanes I fly in to be perfect.

If my window shade is broken or magazine pocket is frayed, I wonder what else on the plane has seen better days.
That's why I love airplane bathrooms. I love how they are designed so the light comes on only if you lock the door, ensuring that you'll never forget to lock it. And even if you do forget and someone opens the door, the light is off! The shadow of darkness shields your dignity! Whenever I'm tinkling 35,000 feet over this great Earth I find myself hoping the engines, instrument panels and landing gear were designed with such great forethought.

I wish there were a print equivalent of the air quote.

Regular quotation marks "come close."

I've mentioned seeing bags in trees and birds in malls. (3/29 post) But this morning I saw TREES IN BAGS.

Just sitting by the side of the road waiting to be picked up. There has to be a better way to deal with Christmas trees.

On some days parenting is a rewarding, enriching experience.

On other days it's just me against the hamper.

theshortestadviceforahappy2008intheworld

See the good.
See the bad.
Choose the view that makes you happy.

The shortestblogintheworld is on an extended holiday in Tulsa.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Thanks for reading! We'll see you on January 1st!

I can't decide which has grown more tedious: The Twelve Days of Christmas or joke versions of The Twelve Days of Christmas.

Answering my kids' questions about sex does not make me uncomfortable at all.

Answering their questions about why the snow on the side of the highway is so black does.

The answer is yes. You ARE smarter than a fifth grader. You're even as smart as a sixth grader.

This blog's reading level was rated: JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL.
Congratulations! After this you can tackle The Catcher in the Rye!

Get your blog's rating. It's cool. Go. Now. Do it.

On my lunch with a new friend.

I realized she was crazy before the bread came.

It's 2007.

Will there ever come a day when the answer is definitely not "unplug it and plug it back in"?

The sweet spot of prosperity.

Just enough to afford 800 thread count sheets (with coupon.) Not enough to be unimpressed by them.

Al Gore and my mailman.

The two faces of holiday junk mail distress.

People bristle at the thought of veal. Yet baby back ribs are the things restaurant chain jingles are made of.

I know. I know. But we call them BABY BACK RIBS. It's almost as if we're gloating.

The true meaning of Christmas is no longer available at Wal-Mart.

While I really don't care how I would be greeted walking into a Wal-Mart, I don't understand any Christian's insistence that Wal-Mart use "Merry Christmas" in their greetings and circulars over the secular "Happy Holidays." I would think Christians would bristle at the thought of Wal-Mart using "Christmas" to sell DVD players.

Today I got all the details on my waiter's ex-girlfriend's father's job in radio.

All I really wanted was a sandwich.

Would it be possible to love somebody whose mind you could read?

The 4th Friday in November should be You'reWelcome Day.

After saying thanks and gorging ourselves on Thursday, we all wake up on Friday with the sole mission to do something so nice that somebody else says, "Thank you." And we say, "You're welcome."

You should Google yourself at least twice a year.

It's the social equivalent of checking your credit report. You just never know.

Things people have Googled and consequently ended up at this blog. Welcome.

lethargic rabbit
are vespas cool?
i can't find my cell phone in my house
whats another word for lethargic
the song that goes like I met my own lover in the grocery store
compare and contrast the use of irony in the gift of the magi
what's another word or another?
feeling sorry
imagine i don't deserve you
how long is too to dry my clothes
bob minihan
what does NFT mean
Am I right in assuming
my hot mailman
snowboarding lingo
my old lover blog
are vespas cool
i don't deserve you, but i deserve you

Which came first, the noun "fly" or the verb "fly"?

Oh.

theshortestreallychillingblogentryintheworld

I would hate to have the same name as someone who did the same thing as me only a lot better.

"No, this the other Clint Eastwood. But I'm still interested in directing your movie."

I think Veterans Day sales should be for Veterans only. Anyone who has ever fought in a war for our country gets 95% off anything they want.

Happy Veterans Day to everyone who qualifies for this discount. Saying "thank you" gives new meaning to the phrase "thank you." I have no discount to offer, but you can read my blog for free. (Cue "Little Drummer Boy" music: Pa rump pum pum pum.)

I remember when Senators represented their state, not their party.

Which is kind of weird since I usually can't even remember where I parked my car.

Apparenty the writers went on strike before coming up with clever sayings for their picket signs.

Dancing in a conga line to mock conga lines is still dancing in a conga line.

This realization came to me at the head of a conga line.

Fictional characters should not have real life blogs.

Yes, it's true. I'm giving out pretzels.

Low fat. Low in sugar. Unable to break windows. Happy Halloween.

The only people I know are wrong are those who are absolutely sure they are right.

And then having to use the restroom at Star Market turned out to be the highlight of my day.

David Wilson CPA, this blog's for you!

Hi David! This is for you. Yes, you! I don't know you and you don't know me, but I know there must be a CPA named David Wilson and I figured that someday you would Google your name and find a blog devoted to you for a day!! Welcome to your blog, David Wilson the CPA!!! Have a great David Wilson Day!

And now a word from my seven year old.

Why does your head go forward when you sneeze? Shouldn't the rush of air out propel your head backward?

I feel powerful

when I recieve mail intended for somebody else.

How many million dollars would you have to have before you refused to do a headstand for a million dollars?

nft

I lost $20 yesterday.

I'm thinking of putting up signs around the neighborhood. And if someone returns my $20 I'll reward them with a cat.

Why I'm voting for John Edwards.

Please, the man can talk to dead people! If you think Karl Rove was a powerful advisor just wait until this guy gets in trouble and rings up George Washington! Winston Churchill! Charles Nelson Reilly! Ghandi!

Lady Bird Johnson

I always feel really, really bad when I hear about someone dying and my first reaction is, "Wow. I didn't know she/he was still alive."
Here's to you Merv Griffin, Bret Sommers and Charles Nelson Reilly!

Clown scary.

This morning I found myself driving behind a small grey Chevy that had a stuffed bear wearing a karate outfit sitting in the back window. Later that day and three towns over, I found myself driving directly behind that same small grey Chevy with the stuffed bear wearing a karate outfit sitting in the back window.

"If walls could talk maybe I wouldn't be so lonely."

No, it's not about me. I have a husband and these two kids who talk on and on and on. (Oh, to be lonely...) But wouldn't that be a great country music lyric? Though, if I were that lonely it certainly would explain this blog, wouldn't it?