Invasive plant species scare me. I think they are listening.

We really flatter ourselves when we call them "travel mugs".

And then, after eeeeeverything else has already been invented...

Things only a parent would say: Oh, it's just a used BandAid.

Today, I'll take it.

I think it's beautiful, in a weird way, that my wedding rings have left a callous on my hand.

The bright side of today: I got to see what the inside of an iPhone looks like.

My son asks: if we have silent letters, why don't we have invisible letters that we say but don't see?

Excellent question.

Boys could be locked in a completely empty room and still find something to throw.

OH in my car full of teenagers this morning: When someone texts you "Dude" the "where are you" is implied.

And yet I see one parked RIGHT THERE. Did that dude really think he would get away with it?

12 yo Son (frantic, wearing one shoe): Can you pleeeaaassseeee help me find my other shoe???

Me: Sure.
12yo Son: Okay.....it looks EXACTLY like this one.


.

My mail was very uptight today. I think it needs to sit down with a nice glass of Cab.

When a line outside a barbershop includes a bald guy, you have to assume this is one pretty outstanding barbershop.

Ever since I found out eggshells were filled with calcium, baking has become so much less stressful.

Stepped on. Didn't slip. I OWN this day.

Will these 3-D printers FINALLY print me my jetpack?

Weird segue ends up just telling it like it is.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Amazon Prime kept its end of the bargain...

Saw a guy riding a motorcycle recklessly while smoking a cigarette this morning. I guess the cigarette is plan B.

You know those Skype apps that let you look like a clown or like you're on a roller coaster? What they really need is one that makes freelancers look like they're showered and dressed.

I have no idea why there would be a blimp flying over my house today.

Is there Driver's Ed for blimps?

Just got back from LA. I fear I have tapas elbow.

I just turned an end piece of bread into a regular piece of bread with a simple kitchen knife.

I may as well go back to bed because there is no topping that today.

.

It seems like everybody just wants everybody ELSE to stop texting while driving.

10 and 2, friends.

.

The 1st jelly bean is so much better than the 57th.

Starbucks on Easter is adorable. Nobody knows the drill.

My kids are weighing their heads. Too many snow days?

Okay, okay...I won't order the seafood.

It was really thoughtful of them to repeat the phone number in an email.

Tricky vampires.

I like the Starbucks baristas who talk to me like we both know they're there for the health insurance.

For loner babies.

The boxes are still the best part of the gift.

Did they really name their company Ho Logic?

I love that little kids aren't embarrassed to wear diapers.

I think there is a lesson in here for all of us.

Just got back from Target.

Look out world! The Flanagan boys are wearing pants all the way down to the ankles tomorrow.

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Poor thing. Has no idea what's coming.

Happy Halloween!

Why would anyone go fishing during a hurricane?

Aren't the fish already having a bad enough day?

The white flag of motherhood.

We were psyched to discover the other dad exploring the tide pools with us happened to be a marine biologist.

He was psyched he finally got to yell, "Yes, I'm a marine biologist!" on a beach.

In the great big sky I saw one silly-shaped little cloud and let out a sigh of relief knowing Dr. Seuss was in charge today.

My 10yo was cast as Mowgli in The Jungle Book.

I'm pretty sure the way he shows up in the morning looking like he was raised by wolves got him the part.

Getting your ice cream in a cup is like sitting in a jacuzzi without bubbles.

Sure, it's still getting the job done, but it's just not what you should do with friends.


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This morning I had to use a port-a-potty and there was a mirror in it.

Who wants to see themselves in a port-a-potty?


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Have you noticed that everyone thinks they are the most sane person in their family?

This, of course, is impossible. But I think it's proof we're all nuts.

Suspiciously similar. Because it's better than looking for "anyone"?

Today my car failed inspection because the license plates were too banged up.

Maybe it's not my license plates they should take away.

On the first beautiful spring day in Boston, it's easy to think winter will never return.

Why do recipes always tell me to save time by chopping things ahead? Are there more hours in the day before the day I want dinner?

If what comes around really goes around none of us will ever need to buy new bubblewrap.

I should never know what color gum you are chewing.

Wouldn't it be great if art was currency so the kind of people who spent their whole lives thinking about art ruled the world?

Wait. This is optional?

If I had made a New Year's resolution to have Ben and Jerry's for breakfast more often I would be doing great right now.

It just doesn't seem like enough.

This year, instead of Halloween decorations, the general disrepair of my house will have to do.

I forgot to take my son to Mindfullness class yesterday, so instead I homeschooled him in irony.

Even the logo looks bored.

Never call an audible on your undergarments, ladies.

A bra in the trashcan spotted late night at a party at the Museum of Fine Arts. If you thought you needed a bra before you started drinking, you probably still need one after.

Homonyms can be dangerous.

Acupuncturist: I'm going to put the needles right into your sole.
Me: WHAT?? MY SOUL??
Acupuncturist: Don't worry, they're tiny needles and I do it right up by the toes.

I now have one in 4th grade and the other starting middle school.

I think I'm having a mid-school crisis.

Watching 24-hour news channels is like watching professional wrestling.

Whenever I'm at an exciting landmark with my family I'm always tempted to ask a stranger to take our picture. But with their camera.

Imagine there's no laundry.

John Lennon's lesser known lyrics.

Today I saw a woman driving a Prius throw a cigarette out her window.

I am too confused by this to even comment.

Some women love to cook for their husbands. I love to bring mine leftovers.

The first contact after he'd been out filming deep sea fishing for a week.

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Right now I'm at a hotel in New York that is so hip I can't figure out how to turn off the light.

I love the word "guy". So often he's certainly not a boy, but you can't really go with 'man'.

This is becoming the worst version of "Who's on First" ever.

Today was a Pompeii day.

My husband will come home to unmade beds. Bread still in the toaster. Half glasses of milk on the counter.

Who is more exhausted, the person who blames others for their own mistakes or the person who blames themself for everyone else's?

From my 11 yo, at the mall on Mother's Day.

"It would be funny if there were a big chair set up and people lined up to sit on a mom's lap and get their picture taken."

I wonder what percentage of all content in autobiographies is true.

And is it higher or lower than the percentage of content shared with therapists that's true?

Shampoo can be cruel.

Winter may be long and cold, but in the end we always win.

There are a few items in my closet that have some nerve thinking they're going to be dry cleaned.

Lost a glove in NYC. If anyone is in New York and finds a black glove, it's probably mine.

I love how the whole country just somehow knows that #2 means, you know, #2.

It's the one thing we can all come together on. It never has to be made official or taught by anyone. Total harmony. That's why, when people say "Sh** happens," I assume they are talking about Americans uniting in harmonious agreement.

You can tell a lot about somone by whether they wipe down the treadmill before or after they exercise.

Is it me or is the emoticon smiley face so much friendlier with a nose?

Any nose.
:0)
:o)
:O)
:-)
:–)
:^)

I hope the oven repair guy doesn't ask how long the oven hasn't been working.

No clue.

There is just no unawkward way to wash a zucchini.

As of today I've been a mother for 11 years. Wondering when I'll get good at it.

This is me guest blogging on another site.

Right here.
But I swear, my job is not as easy as it sounds.
It's as fun as it sounds, but not as easy as it sounds.

I hate when Americans talk about "Americans."

Oh, wait.

Weird how something that makes you feel so cheery on December 18th can make you feel like sticking a fork in your eye on January 18th.

Christmas' hangover.

Kids don't balk at wearing hand-me-down underwear. That shows you how little power comes with being a kid.

On New Year's Eve in a pub in Fairfield, OH, I had my makeup done by Candy who used to be a makeup artist but now works on the base to make more money

It's always a good idea to drive across the country.

"The Charlie Brown Christmas song sounds like happy loneliness." -my 10 year old

What if Purgatory is that when you die you have to sit and read all the Terms & Conditions and Contracts you signed without reading in your lifetime?

The sherrif's department just came to serve an eviction notice to a person who does not live here.

My very first thought was, "Wow, is he under here somewhere?"

My house went 6 days without a square of toilet paper anywhere. One more day and I think we would have become a common law fraternity.

I have given in and just started buying the boys colorful clothes so the hamper looks pretty when it's overflowing.

Coming back from Canada, I almost got fined $5000 for accidentally driving through the wrong check booth at US Customs and Border Control.

I'm not asking for bigger government. Just a government with bigger signs.

All my jogging bras have mysteriously disappeared, which leads me to believe that I misunderstood their name and they have actual run away.

I have never attended a Thanksgiving dinner where nobody expressed doubts about the turkey thermometer.

I don't think it's a good sign when your physical therapist asks if there is any way you could become left handed.