Always have "yes" in your heart, but a gatekeeper between your heart and your mouth.

Two tools I wish I could use in real life: "COMMAND + Z" and "Clear Cache".

I may be stuck in traffic, but at least I have something to read.

I am amazed how quickly a can of "less than 50% peanuts" becomes a can of peanuts.

TODAY'S GUEST BLOGGER IS BETH WEISS FROM SOUTH DAKOTA. THANK YOU, BETH!

I can either lose 15 pounds in three weeks or just tell everyone at my high school reunion that I'm pregnant.

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I'm not, but they'll never follow up on it.

Saw John Williams and The Boston Pops tonight. That man can make me simultaneously afraid to swim in the ocean and confident my bike can fly.

There is no dignity in squeezing that last glass of wine out of the box.

Spellcheck on my iPhone just changed LIVE to LOVE. Everyone's a philosopher.

Sometimes a colon and a close parenthesis is just a colon and a close parenthesis. :)

Design Within Reach apparently does not understand my arm span.

My iPhone only works at the Apple Store. It's like the Warner Brother's frog of cell phones.

Someone should tell these people this is nut a good name.

The food at the restaurant says it's homemade. The food at the grocery store says it's restaurant quality. Now I don't know where to eat.

Someone should make a toupee for shrubs.

Sometimes those hedge clippers get a little addictive.

It would be really confusing if the world changed days at noon instead of midnight.

(Today's guest blogger: my 10 year old son, Sawyer.)

Last night the sun shined and its light went across the universe, bounced off the moon and landed right in my bedroom. How lucky am I?

I hate it when my GPS argues with me.

Foursquare would have made The Hangover a very short movie.

Two minutes into the appointment I started to wonder what exactly was going to happen here.

French drains. Sump pumps. Leveled yards. No flooding!! Now the roof is leaking. At least the money spent on swimming lessons is paying off.

There's bird poop on the snow blower. I think that trumps the groundhog seeing its shadow.

Here I sit with 5000 staples. And not one stapler.

The child who asks how babies are born right when it's time for him to go to bed is not curious. He's brilliant.

My ADD has gotten so bad, it's just AD now. Can't get to that second D.

Here is a shower designed by a man.

My apologies to anyone who was parking in the parking garage across the street.

Peace is the ultimate luxury.

A guy at Starbucks just asked me to watch his laptop. I must look trustworthy. Bursting w/pride & thinking Girl Scout uniform was a good investment.

Boston to New York on the Acela always makes me want to run through the train car ripping off young men's ties yelling: RUN! RUN! BE FREE!

But instead I sit, quietly typing on my laptop.

If a dried up grape is a raisin, then what is a dried up raisin called? Not that I just found some under my couch or anything.

The best thing about a full moon is that photos never do it justice so I'm forced to just stop and take it in. In the moment. Just me & the universe.

Here's an absolutely worthless photo I took of the beautiful full moon.

"God did not put me on this Earth to negotiate who could look at whose Calvin and Hobbes book at the breakfast table every morning."

I said it. But even as the words were coming out of my mouth I wasn't sure it was true.

Last night I took a birthday party of 10 year olds to Lazer Tag. On my way in a teenager on the way out asked me if I was Octomom.

I am so happy the next generation is funny.

Today I'm trying to move from perfectionism to really goodtionism.

I was never going to be perfect anyway.

Universal truth: No parent wants to run into someone they know at Burger King.

After one month of owning a car with many voice activated features, I've come to one conclusion: I don't want to talk to my car.

"Do not speak unless you can improve on silence. " - Zen saying

And so no blog post today.

Road trip wisdom: There is a reason they call Missouri the "Show Me State".

This from a rest stop in Missouri.

My apologies to anyone who saw these road trip posts on Twitter. Some things are just really worth sharing. Apparently.

Road trip wisdom: Dual-zone climate control. Waaaaaaay less expensive than marriage counseling.

I did not alter a thing before taking this photo.

Road trip wisdom: On any highway the number of porn shops is directly proportionate to the number of Jesus billboards.

I'm not judging either side, just saying all things seem to even each other out in the end.

Yesterday my 9-year old ordered his first non-Happy Meal at McDonald's. I feel like this calls for some sort of Bar Mitzvah-type celebration.

What's cooler than sparklers? Sparklers in snow! Merry Christmas to you and you and you! And a happy New Year, too!

"Baby, It's Cold Outside" is the R-rated version of "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow."

The time it takes for a 9 year old to earn a Swiss army knife selling Boy Scout popcorn: About 3 weeks.

The time it takes for that 9 year old to cut himself with the Swiss army knife: About 33 seconds.

Don't worry. The kid's fine. My couch, however, will never quite be the same.

Why? Why? Why?

Before you have children you think kids ask, "Why is the sky blue?"
Then you have children and you find out they ask, "Why is the sky?"


I mentioned this on Twitter and @inakiescudero sent me this wonderful blog link: http://whymami.blogspot.com/

The eye doctor told me I have run out of tears.

Then he said I may never be able to wear contacts again and I immediately proved his first theory wrong.

Really? All the other names were taken?

I have learned that carrying a car seat into a car dealership drastically reduces your negotiating power.

For those of you who have been following my blog, the good news is that I FINALLY got a new car.

The older I get the more little boys I see wearing suits.

Oh, the To Do list of a 9-year old.

I am oddly comforted by heavy rains causing an Eggo shortage. Somehow it makes Eggos seem like actual food.

More on the shortage.

"Freaking" is the training bra of swears.

Taking it out of my kids' vocabulary.

I'm convinced the internet was invented by Ritalin. Nice job, guys.

When automatic sinks don't work immediately when I put my hands under the faucet, I momentarily question whether I actually exist.

We should all have police lights and sirens to pop on our car when we really need to get somewhere fast. But only be allowed to use it 3 times. Ever.

Happy Halloween!

(Knock, Knock. I open the door.)
Voice: It's someone you know!
Me: Who is it?
Voice: It's your son! (I know it's my son. He's not wearing a mask or anything.)
Me: How do I know it's my son and not someone dressed up as my son?
Voice: It's really me! Touch my face! See?

And I silently vow to be more like an 8-year old in my heart.

"So I told my husband 400 random strippers is way better than one special one."

This is not the sentence to be saying when you're talking a little too loud and the restaurant suddenly gets very quiet. Don't ask me how I know this.

I'm pretty sure that in my past life I was Pavlov's dog.

I know the placebo effect does not work for weight loss because I truly believe, with 100% certainty, that I should be a size 4.

After 20 years of living in Boston, I finally became a New Englander. I bought skis!

Great new/used sale at the town lift:

New Rossingnol skis: $229
Bindings: $0
Helmet, goggles and poles: $55
Never having to tell the ski rental guy my weight again: priceless

There's a reason God made women have to sit down to pee.

I think he knew how tired we'd be. Thanks for the 37-second break, Dude!

The person who named the manhole really didn't overthink that one.

I am going to try to be more like the manhole namer today.

College now costs $40k a year. I think I'd rather just give my kids $160K and a 4-year head start.

That is, if I had $160.

I bought my car the same month I had my first child.

Here is a valet parking attendant's report on any scratches, dents or object missing from my car. I'm happy to report the kid is in much better shape.

They say when you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life.

I say when you do what you really, really love you'll work days, nights, weekends, on your commute, in the shower, while you're on the treadmill and sometimes even in your sleep.

Sorry I haven't updated lately. For me it goes: kids, work, blog. For the past eight weeks I've been pretty wrapped up with the first two.

The only problem with an alarm clock that wakes you to the sounds of nature is that you get conditioned to wake to the sounds of nature.

Birds chirp at 5:50 am. And now I'm a morning person.

Life is what happens while your mother is holding the video camera sideways.

Sorry, dear.

I always feel sad when I notice a fly has gotten caught in my car. Especially if I'm on a long trip.

Now I've relocated a fly. When we get out he'll have to make all new friends. Find a new family. Get a new job. And he's only got 2 to 4 weeks to do it.

Today, Kat Jaibur guest posts. Thanks, Kat!

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I felt bad because I had no Gmail. Then I met a man who had no Twitter.

(Follow Kat at @katjaib)

Dropped the kids off for the first day of school: no new shoes, no haircuts, forgot to tell them what classrooms they're in.

But I swear they were MENTALLY prepared.

Yesterday I was sitting with a friend on my deck when he got pooped on by a passing bird.

I couldn't help but marvel at how free it must feel to be a bird.

As I drop my mother off at the airport after a three-day visit she says, "Amy, you look so pretty. Much prettier than when we arrived."

Ah, it's good to be the daughter of an Irish woman.

And I couldn't love her any more! :)

10 effective numbers for starting blog headlines.

1. 10

2. 12

3. 7

4. 8

5. 5

6. 15

7. 9

8. 18

9. 50

10. 6

Things that come to me while vacationing in Maine: Receiving the gift of naming a star would be pretty romantic.

Receiving the gift of naming all the stars would be a total pain in the ass.

I was not enthusiastic about this restaurant feeling the need to add more clarification.

Yes, they added "with soap".

I'm not sure they chose the right name.

When you lose your keys as often as I do, every day is like Easter morning.

Just thought I'd go for a new take on the situation.

"Life is between the trapeze bars." -Unknown

I love this quote, but it haunts me that the author is unknown. Did he fall before anyone got his name?

I don't know who's aging faster, my kids or Barack Obama.

I know a few adults who actually like Where's Waldo.

These are obviously people who do not lose their keys as often as I do.

I do not look forward to voice activated television.

"American Idol"

"Sports Center"

"American IDOL"

"SPORTS CENTER!!"

"AMERICAN IDOL!!!!"

"SPORTS!!!!!! CENTER!!!!!!"

"AMERICAN!!!!!! IDOL!!!!!!!!!!!"

Aren't they all?

There are Starbucks people and there are Dunkin' Donuts people. And then there are people who eat their Dunkin' Donuts in Starbucks.

Nicely done, man and his son with a table full of Dunkin' in Starbucks this morning! Never before have I had so much respect for people eating Eggwhite Flatbread Sandwiches.

There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a great one.

Today's guest blogger is Jenn Kelly. She left us this week waaaaay too soon. An amazing person, you might have read some of her comments on this blog.

I just ran into this quote from her in an email. This was the kind of thing she passed along all the time. She changed the world just by being her.

We'll miss you Jenn.

I am trying to control my control freak tendencies.

You can see where a problem might arise.

I like going to Boloco because when you finish your drink you can eat your cup.

Of course, then you're thirsty again.

Everytime you use two exclamation points an angel loses its wings.

Totally kidding!!

Today would have been my grandmother's 100th birthday.

She was an amazing woman. Her patience lasted through many games of Crazy 8's with a singing 8 year old. Her arthritic hands never tired of scratching little backs. And her hair was the color of an Entenmann's crumb cake. You would have liked her.

Is there such a thing as passive assertive?

My physical therapist taped my knee caps in place and today I am pain free for the first time in 20 years!

Good news: I am pain free.
Bad news: I am being held together by tape.

How can I have lived on this Earth for 42 years and still not be sure if I'm supposed to tip on a take out order?

I keep thinking if they just got in the same bathtub they might not need the Cialis.

You could sell wine for $79 a glass in an MRI waiting room.

Maybe we needed this recession. I mean, when a society starts drinking soup right out of the can you know it's time to slow things down a bit.

I love when the library has "Forgiveness Day". You get to turn in books you forgot to return years ago and they waive the fines.

I wish rental car companies had that.

Why am I saving this receipt that says my mammogram showed no abnormalities?

Do I think I can turn it in for proof if I ever get diagnosed with breast cancer?

Note added later: I know some people think some of my posts are funny. Sometimes they're just my thoughts. This post was not meant to be funny. I thought it was important for you to know that. Thanks for reading.

My 9yo is practicing his oral report in front of the family. I tell him that imagining the audience in their underwear can make you less nervous.

His brother immediately strips down to his underwear. What a thoughtful audience.

Why do I feel guilty when I go to a garage sale and leave without buying anything?

I mean, they didn't want that crap either.

My husband and I were just debating who we'd rather have dinner with: Ben Franklin or John Adams?

Marriage is so hot.

"Does anyone need a map in another language?" she asked in English.