"The Charlie Brown Christmas song sounds like happy loneliness." -my 10 year old

What if Purgatory is that when you die you have to sit and read all the Terms & Conditions and Contracts you signed without reading in your lifetime?

The sherrif's department just came to serve an eviction notice to a person who does not live here.

My very first thought was, "Wow, is he under here somewhere?"

My house went 6 days without a square of toilet paper anywhere. One more day and I think we would have become a common law fraternity.

I have given in and just started buying the boys colorful clothes so the hamper looks pretty when it's overflowing.

Coming back from Canada, I almost got fined $5000 for accidentally driving through the wrong check booth at US Customs and Border Control.

I'm not asking for bigger government. Just a government with bigger signs.

All my jogging bras have mysteriously disappeared, which leads me to believe that I misunderstood their name and they have actual run away.

I have never attended a Thanksgiving dinner where nobody expressed doubts about the turkey thermometer.

I don't think it's a good sign when your physical therapist asks if there is any way you could become left handed.

If you stick your head into the washing machine as it's filling it sounds like a magnificent waterfall.

It probably helps if you are really tired at the time.

Know what happens when you accidentally arrive at the mall an hour before it opens with your 8 year old? You park right next to Santa.

Who knew Santa drove a red Hyundai? Or smoked?

I got tennis elbow from sitting on my ass typing on my computer. Wish I could get a tennis ass by sitting on my elbows typing on my computer.

As soon as I had kids my marriage turned into a game of chicken.

Who will move first on the towering laundry? The uncooked dinner? The mysterious odor?

Married people should not talk about their sex life unless they are referring to a lack there of. Any other reference is just creepy.

Carpe remote?

Those people in the John Hancock commercials should just pick up the phone and call each other.

They are all one step away from separate bathtubs.

Have you ever washed a whole box of Rice Krispies down the sink?

It's loud.

Marriage is awesome. And I mean that 100% sarcastically and 100% sincerely all at the same time.

And, by the way, I have the best husband in the whole wide world. (I mean that sincerely.) And today is our 14th anniversary.

By the looks of his iTunes receipts, I don't think I have to worry about peer pressure getting to my 8 year old anytime soon.

My laptop knows all my secrets.

I think it's ironic that I don't know what the inside of my nose smells like.

I'm sure it has an odor that I am just so accustomed to I no longer notice.

Wrong.

Yup.

I wish this worked in my line of work.
Due date: When it's done.

Does British Airways save money by not having to have a human deliver the message every time they are about to crash into the sea?

I find myself wondering how many takes they did on this recording.

Why isn't combobulated a word? What can't there be moments when everything comes together and makes total sense?

How can there be a 'dis' version of a non-word? I would like that word.

Friend: Amy, how did that project turn out?
Amy: Oh, it was fantastic. At first things were hectic and unorganized, but just in time everything became combobulated.
Friend: That's great! And, by the way, here's a million dollars.

I could do without the "ifty" words. Thrifty. Nifty. Fifty-fifty.

"Shifty" is the only word from this category with any redeeming value.

As I walked into the airport terminal he jumped out of the car, ran to me and hugged me as if he never wanted to let go.

It was just like in the movies. Except he was eight.

Forever. It isn't as long as it used to be. (As pointed out by my 8 year old.)

I have given in to :) but will never give in to ;).

Oh, I'll probably give in to that one too. :)

I think Monsanto is behind Farmville.

I am a big fan of antiperspirant. But I wish there were also such a thing as a perspirant so I could look more impressive at the gym.

The Poland Spring Resort sells Poland Spring Water by the bottle. If I order tap do they ship it in from Massachusetts?

Decided to just go out and drink from the lake instead.

Dear Top 40 radio station, 40. Really? Perhaps you should change your name to top 17.

Just got back from an amazing vacation in the middle of Maine where people really know what the important things in life are.

Hint: New cars and new shoes are not two of them.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Maine.
Every time I visit a new state, I like this country even more.

It's weird that those guys stay in such good shape only playing soccer once every four years.

Go, World Cup!

What I learned this summer: Just because you have a rearview camera doesn't mean you don't have to look out the frontview window.

Oh, look. I'm low on wiper fluid.

I am blogging at 35,000 feet on American Airlines and still I want it to be free. What is wrong with me?

When my parents were kids they had to blog uphill both ways.

I think the whole idea of black holes was invented by super smart people to freak the rest of us out.

It is their way of getting revenge for taking so much abuse in school. If you listen to the description of a black hole it was obviously thought of by someone as they were receiving a good, old-fashioned swirly.

Yesterday I turned 43 and finally became mature enough not to pillage all the shampoos, lotions, soaps and note pads from the hotel room.

Well, I almost became mature enough not to do that. Almost.

Heads up: there actually ARE dumb questions.

I'm sorry if someone mislead you.

.

I could be the Jeff Foxworthy of my own little niche. You know your husband works in sports marketing when...

When people at your 25th year high school reunion say you look exactly the same, does that mean you looked like a 42 year old lady in high school?

My mom is recovering from spinal surgery like a true champion. When I grow up I want to be just like her.

Always have "yes" in your heart, but a gatekeeper between your heart and your mouth.

Two tools I wish I could use in real life: "COMMAND + Z" and "Clear Cache".

I may be stuck in traffic, but at least I have something to read.

I am amazed how quickly a can of "less than 50% peanuts" becomes a can of peanuts.

TODAY'S GUEST BLOGGER IS BETH WEISS FROM SOUTH DAKOTA. THANK YOU, BETH!

I can either lose 15 pounds in three weeks or just tell everyone at my high school reunion that I'm pregnant.

.
I'm not, but they'll never follow up on it.

Saw John Williams and The Boston Pops tonight. That man can make me simultaneously afraid to swim in the ocean and confident my bike can fly.

There is no dignity in squeezing that last glass of wine out of the box.

Spellcheck on my iPhone just changed LIVE to LOVE. Everyone's a philosopher.

Sometimes a colon and a close parenthesis is just a colon and a close parenthesis. :)

Design Within Reach apparently does not understand my arm span.

My iPhone only works at the Apple Store. It's like the Warner Brother's frog of cell phones.

Someone should tell these people this is nut a good name.

The food at the restaurant says it's homemade. The food at the grocery store says it's restaurant quality. Now I don't know where to eat.

Someone should make a toupee for shrubs.

Sometimes those hedge clippers get a little addictive.

It would be really confusing if the world changed days at noon instead of midnight.

(Today's guest blogger: my 10 year old son, Sawyer.)

Last night the sun shined and its light went across the universe, bounced off the moon and landed right in my bedroom. How lucky am I?

I hate it when my GPS argues with me.

Foursquare would have made The Hangover a very short movie.

Two minutes into the appointment I started to wonder what exactly was going to happen here.

French drains. Sump pumps. Leveled yards. No flooding!! Now the roof is leaking. At least the money spent on swimming lessons is paying off.

There's bird poop on the snow blower. I think that trumps the groundhog seeing its shadow.

Here I sit with 5000 staples. And not one stapler.

The child who asks how babies are born right when it's time for him to go to bed is not curious. He's brilliant.

My ADD has gotten so bad, it's just AD now. Can't get to that second D.

Here is a shower designed by a man.

My apologies to anyone who was parking in the parking garage across the street.

Peace is the ultimate luxury.

A guy at Starbucks just asked me to watch his laptop. I must look trustworthy. Bursting w/pride & thinking Girl Scout uniform was a good investment.

Boston to New York on the Acela always makes me want to run through the train car ripping off young men's ties yelling: RUN! RUN! BE FREE!

But instead I sit, quietly typing on my laptop.

If a dried up grape is a raisin, then what is a dried up raisin called? Not that I just found some under my couch or anything.

The best thing about a full moon is that photos never do it justice so I'm forced to just stop and take it in. In the moment. Just me & the universe.

Here's an absolutely worthless photo I took of the beautiful full moon.

"God did not put me on this Earth to negotiate who could look at whose Calvin and Hobbes book at the breakfast table every morning."

I said it. But even as the words were coming out of my mouth I wasn't sure it was true.

Last night I took a birthday party of 10 year olds to Lazer Tag. On my way in a teenager on the way out asked me if I was Octomom.

I am so happy the next generation is funny.

Today I'm trying to move from perfectionism to really goodtionism.

I was never going to be perfect anyway.

Universal truth: No parent wants to run into someone they know at Burger King.

After one month of owning a car with many voice activated features, I've come to one conclusion: I don't want to talk to my car.

"Do not speak unless you can improve on silence. " - Zen saying

And so no blog post today.

Road trip wisdom: There is a reason they call Missouri the "Show Me State".

This from a rest stop in Missouri.

My apologies to anyone who saw these road trip posts on Twitter. Some things are just really worth sharing. Apparently.

Road trip wisdom: Dual-zone climate control. Waaaaaaay less expensive than marriage counseling.

I did not alter a thing before taking this photo.

Road trip wisdom: On any highway the number of porn shops is directly proportionate to the number of Jesus billboards.

I'm not judging either side, just saying all things seem to even each other out in the end.