I'm recycling paper breasts.

I bought some bras off of gap.com. When they arrived the cups were stuffed with paper breasts. 

I had already bought the bras. No further seduction was necessary. 

Without self-hatred there would be fewer marriages.

And virtually no divorce. 

Facebook and the answering machine.

A friend said he will not join Facebook or anything like it because, "If I want to get in touch with someone, I'll just email them." This reminded me of my father once saying, "If it's important, they'll call back." 

Watch as I control your mind.

Knock knock.

"Going Oprah on your ass!" You heard it here first.

Like "going postal" only "going Oprah" refers to pummeling someone with tales of spiritual optimism and assurance that the universe is aligning to make you the best darn you you can be. Having someone "go postal" or "go Oprah" on you can be equally as traumatic.

ex: "When I told my sister about getting towed the same day I found out my husband had run away with the mailman and "Friday Night Lights" was being cancelled, I really just wanted to split a bottle of Jack Daniels. Instead she went all Oprah on my ass!"

Does it drive me crazy when people ask themselves a question aloud and then answer their own question to make a point?

Yes it does.

And do they usually follow this up with another question which they again answer themselves? 

Yes they do.

If I die an organ donor and my organs are used to save a person's life who then goes out and kills two people, where do I stand karma-wise?

I think that every election year we should also have a United States Prom and vote for a king and queen of The Prom.

And then the newspaper could tell me who Jennifer Anniston and Chuck Norris want to vote for for Prom King and Prom Queen. This is only one of the benefits of this great plan.

If I were a recovering alcoholic, those Ketel One billboards would scare the hell out of me.

I swear it makes me look in the back seat as it is.

New drinking game: Every time someone on ESPN says something obvious, you have to drink.