Happy Halloween!

(Knock, Knock. I open the door.)
Voice: It's someone you know!
Me: Who is it?
Voice: It's your son! (I know it's my son. He's not wearing a mask or anything.)
Me: How do I know it's my son and not someone dressed up as my son?
Voice: It's really me! Touch my face! See?

And I silently vow to be more like an 8-year old in my heart.

"So I told my husband 400 random strippers is way better than one special one."

This is not the sentence to be saying when you're talking a little too loud and the restaurant suddenly gets very quiet. Don't ask me how I know this.

I'm pretty sure that in my past life I was Pavlov's dog.

I know the placebo effect does not work for weight loss because I truly believe, with 100% certainty, that I should be a size 4.

After 20 years of living in Boston, I finally became a New Englander. I bought skis!

Great new/used sale at the town lift:

New Rossingnol skis: $229
Bindings: $0
Helmet, goggles and poles: $55
Never having to tell the ski rental guy my weight again: priceless

There's a reason God made women have to sit down to pee.

I think he knew how tired we'd be. Thanks for the 37-second break, Dude!

The person who named the manhole really didn't overthink that one.

I am going to try to be more like the manhole namer today.

College now costs $40k a year. I think I'd rather just give my kids $160K and a 4-year head start.

That is, if I had $160.

I bought my car the same month I had my first child.

Here is a valet parking attendant's report on any scratches, dents or object missing from my car. I'm happy to report the kid is in much better shape.