I'm happy Tom Brady got married. Now he can stop having sex and get back to concentrating on football.

I know we're lacking in face time when someone has to tell me when they're LOL but has no idea if I need to XYZ PDQ.

(For those under 32: XYZ PQD = examine your zipper pretty darn quick. Ask your grandpa about it.) 

This was one of my earliest influencers in my career choice. Loved the woman. Loved the ad.

Just wish someone would have told me what a pain in the ass this plan is in real life.

The Dunkin' Donuts Waffle Breakfast Sandwich.

Okay. The name alone tells me there are at least two breakfasts in that meal.

Today I can't stop wondering if I could survive if I somehow ended up at the bottom of a 10' pool that was filled with whipped cream instead of water.

Could I get out? Could I somehow get enough air until I figured out a way to get out? Whipped cream does have a lot of air in it, right? But there's no traction for swimming. Could I crawl through it?

On the days I don't post it's only because my head is filled with illogical thoughts like this.

Before I read the sign on the door I never considered the possibility that the person aligning my tires would be on drugs. Now they have me thinking.

       Suddenly I'm wondering why National Tire and Battery feels the need to post this information on their door. And why they ranked its importance in between no smoking and the fact that they recycle. And should I be worried that they're going to stab me in the knee? They didn't post that they wouldn't.

What if Snopes is a hoax?

When I was a child I thought the moon was following me. Now I know Chipolte is.

I've never eaten at the place and still everywhere I go there's a new one popping up. Apparently an economic crisis gives people the munchies for Mexican.

100 Calorie Packs make me know everything is A-OK.

There is no real economic crisis until people stop paying more to get less food.

The ultimate "get over it and move on."

 "I had this expectation that my career would be one in which I didn't crash an airplane."

- Captain Sullenberger on why he was surprised, not frightened, just before he carefully landed the A320 in the Hudson

I don't like when people cite their "years of experience" to prove that they know they can NOT get something done. Use it to show that you can.

 

Goofus: I've been working here 25 years so I know that's not possible.

Gallant: Let's use what I've learned over the past 25 years to make this happen!

I love the guy, but even I can't take this kind of framing.

From cnn.com.

Today I found out my breasts are dense.

Apparently this isn't bad or good. Though it may explain some of the poor decisions they made in their earlier years.

(File under Medical Tests of your 40's.)

I bet there's not one person in America who reads both these magazines.

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