Monday, April 30, 2007

When I can't find my cell phone in my house

I call it with the landline so it will ring. And then, when I find it, I automatically look to see who is calling. (Because it's ringing.) And then, for a nanosecond, I am surprised to see it's me calling. This happens every single time.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Dora the Explorer pinatas are so disturbing.

To see a bunch of four and five year olds wacking away at that poor girl as she hangs from a rope on a stick. It's dismal.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I know this is wrong.

Whenever I come across a Magic 8 Ball, I ask it a question and then I kind of give its answer some credence. It's not that I believe it, but I have to admit that I do consider it's opinion.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Friday, April 13, 2007

Parenting karma.

When you're a really, really good mom in this life you get to come back as dad in the next.
I just know it.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Every woman has one.

The husband voice. (Or boyfriend voice. Whatever.) It’s the voice she uses to quote her husband when talking to her friends. It is usually used when she feels he is wrong, being annoying, being irresponsible or asking questions to which the answers have already been explained many, many times.
I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it is.

Friday, April 6, 2007

Thursday, April 5, 2007

4 things I've learned from stick figures.

I should not put my hand in between two gears.
I should not put my hand inside that gray box.
Infants do not go in the dryer.
Three people should stand shoulder to shoulder when they are together in an elevator.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Everyone's a comedian.

This is a popular saying, but it's not true. If it were, McDonald's would serve breakfast until 2pm and 80% of the population would be borderline alcoholics.* Oh yeah, and everyone would be funnier.

*This in no way reflects on my brother, Roy Johnson, who is a comedian and is not a boderline alcoholic.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Monday, April 2, 2007

How I got bangs.

Me: Isn't it so dorky how all these women are getting bangs just because Reese Witherspoon had them at the Oscars?
My stylist: Yeah.
Me: Have a lot of women been asking for them?
My stylist: Bangs? Oh yeah. Tons. I've been doing a lot of bangs.
Me: That is so ridiculous. One woman wears bangs to one party and now every woman in the country wants bangs. (eye roll) It's pathetic.
My stylist: Actually, I think you would look good in bangs.
Me: Really?
My stylist: Yeah, want to try it?
Me: Okay!

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Just in case you didn't know: tiny jets.

You know those tiny jets that have two seats on one side of the aisle and one seat on the other and the seats are really, really close together? Just in case you didn't already know, the RECLINE feature on those seats is like the ashtray in your car. It is not meant to be actually used, it's just there because it has to be. If you doubt me, the next time you get on one of those tiny jets ask the person sitting behind you.