Woke up from my colonoscopy hearing the nurses talk about how cute my husband was.

When I got to the waiting room, I realized the average age of the competition was 87.
(Still, he is a hottie.)

Homonyms can be dangerous.

Acupuncturist: I'm going to put the needles right into your sole.
Me: WHAT?? MY SOUL??
Acupuncturist: Don't worry, they're tiny needles and I do it right up by the toes.

I now have one in 4th grade and the other starting middle school.

I think I'm having a mid-school crisis.