I like going to Boloco because when you finish your drink you can eat your cup.

Of course, then you're thirsty again.

Everytime you use two exclamation points an angel loses its wings.

Totally kidding!!

Today would have been my grandmother's 100th birthday.

She was an amazing woman. Her patience lasted through many games of Crazy 8's with a singing 8 year old. Her arthritic hands never tired of scratching little backs. And her hair was the color of an Entenmann's crumb cake. You would have liked her.

Is there such a thing as passive assertive?

My physical therapist taped my knee caps in place and today I am pain free for the first time in 20 years!

Good news: I am pain free.
Bad news: I am being held together by tape.

How can I have lived on this Earth for 42 years and still not be sure if I'm supposed to tip on a take out order?

I keep thinking if they just got in the same bathtub they might not need the Cialis.

You could sell wine for $79 a glass in an MRI waiting room.

Maybe we needed this recession. I mean, when a society starts drinking soup right out of the can you know it's time to slow things down a bit.

I love when the library has "Forgiveness Day". You get to turn in books you forgot to return years ago and they waive the fines.

I wish rental car companies had that.

Why am I saving this receipt that says my mammogram showed no abnormalities?

Do I think I can turn it in for proof if I ever get diagnosed with breast cancer?

Note added later: I know some people think some of my posts are funny. Sometimes they're just my thoughts. This post was not meant to be funny. I thought it was important for you to know that. Thanks for reading.

My 9yo is practicing his oral report in front of the family. I tell him that imagining the audience in their underwear can make you less nervous.

His brother immediately strips down to his underwear. What a thoughtful audience.

Why do I feel guilty when I go to a garage sale and leave without buying anything?

I mean, they didn't want that crap either.

My husband and I were just debating who we'd rather have dinner with: Ben Franklin or John Adams?

Marriage is so hot.

"Does anyone need a map in another language?" she asked in English.

GODBLEH!

Whenever I hear one of those half sneezes, my mind always thinks a half blessing.

I think you should get to re-register for stuff after you've been married twelve years.

My salad spinner is trashed.

I like seeing those joggers who look like they're being chased.

I always wonder if they live their whole life that way.

My 7 year old cries for 20 heartbreaking minutes every time he loses a baby tooth.

I think he understands.

I remembered that I left my husband's sunroof open halfway through the storm.

So is the car half empty or half full?



Note: My husband ran out in the rain in his socks, dried out his car and was very nice about it. So I guess it's half full.

Me (to my 9yo): Life is good, isn't it?

My 9yo: I'm not sure so I just trust the t-shirts.
.

Sometimes I like when I'm out and about without my kids. I get to push all the buttons.

What if we found out that "Eve" was actually the Hebrew word for "Steve"?

Just saw a preview for the new movie, "Partly Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs."

Where the Wild Things Are
Harry Potter
Charlotte's Web
Curious George
The Spiderwick Chronicles
Tale of Despereaux
Twilight
Bridge to Terabithia

I feel so relieved that children will never be burdened by having to read again.

The name tag of the 21st Century.

Watching Bruce Springsteen perform it became more clear than ever.

We should all make sure we are spending our days doing what we love.

Will stick to drawing Tippy the Turtle.

Drawing the pirate just seems awkward at this point.

Reading a book about Frank Lloyd Wright.

So far he is not nearly as likable as his work.

The treadmill I plug my headphones into kept shocking me. I finally found out it was because the rubber things around my old headphones were worn off.

And here I was running faster and faster for nothing.

An amazing new promotion for GM car buyers.

If you buy a car from GM and then lose your job within the next 24 months, you get to run GM.

Subway's "Five! Five Dollar Foot Long!" bit would not work for restaurants like The Cheesecake Factory.

"Seven! Seven dollar slice of cheesecake!" just doesn't have the same ring.

I can see it now. Firemen carrying my children out of my burning house.

My kids telling them, "No. No. That alarm is just the sound the house makes when our mom cooks."

Buffering.

Have you ever thought about how far we've come in 16 years? You will.

Nevermind overachieving, I can't believe how many things I have to say over and over a day just to keep my kids alive.

Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Drink your water. Put on a coat. Take your vitamin. Take your vitamin. Eat. Eat. Eat. Don't stick that in there. Look both ways. Look both ways. Make sure you look both ways. Wear your helmet. Stay by my side. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Eat. Eat. Eat.

When you're seven years old, 56 April Fool's Day jokes are sooooooooo much funnier than 1.

Sometimes my intuition tells me not to follow my intuition.

You haven't fully experienced motherhood until you have put Desitin on your toothbrush.

And we get closer and closer to coming full cirlce.

Trainers at Sea World say these circle blowing dolphins are teaching them so much. Perhaps the dolphins are trying to teach them that they are bored.

If I took a time lapse video of my life this week it would look like a still shot of me sitting in front of my computer.

There is a button on my keys that makes my car honk. What I need is a button on my car that makes my keys honk.

I usually know where my car is.

I wonder if I wore my 3-D glasses out in the real world if I'd suddenly be able to read people's minds.

Don't read the words. I just had to print the first chart I've seen in a while where the little line was going up!

If I had twins I think I'd name them "Good" and "Evil" just to see what would happen.

(I'm totally kidding, of course. Those names don't even rhyme.)

Can't post today. Wrote a guest post on Friday that had, like, 137 words in it. I'm wiped.

Check it out, here.

I'm happy Tom Brady got married. Now he can stop having sex and get back to concentrating on football.

I know we're lacking in face time when someone has to tell me when they're LOL but has no idea if I need to XYZ PDQ.

(For those under 32: XYZ PQD = examine your zipper pretty darn quick. Ask your grandpa about it.) 

This was one of my earliest influencers in my career choice. Loved the woman. Loved the ad.

Just wish someone would have told me what a pain in the ass this plan is in real life.

The Dunkin' Donuts Waffle Breakfast Sandwich.

Okay. The name alone tells me there are at least two breakfasts in that meal.

Today I can't stop wondering if I could survive if I somehow ended up at the bottom of a 10' pool that was filled with whipped cream instead of water.

Could I get out? Could I somehow get enough air until I figured out a way to get out? Whipped cream does have a lot of air in it, right? But there's no traction for swimming. Could I crawl through it?

On the days I don't post it's only because my head is filled with illogical thoughts like this.

Before I read the sign on the door I never considered the possibility that the person aligning my tires would be on drugs. Now they have me thinking.

       Suddenly I'm wondering why National Tire and Battery feels the need to post this information on their door. And why they ranked its importance in between no smoking and the fact that they recycle. And should I be worried that they're going to stab me in the knee? They didn't post that they wouldn't.

What if Snopes is a hoax?

When I was a child I thought the moon was following me. Now I know Chipolte is.

I've never eaten at the place and still everywhere I go there's a new one popping up. Apparently an economic crisis gives people the munchies for Mexican.

100 Calorie Packs make me know everything is A-OK.

There is no real economic crisis until people stop paying more to get less food.

The ultimate "get over it and move on."

 "I had this expectation that my career would be one in which I didn't crash an airplane."

- Captain Sullenberger on why he was surprised, not frightened, just before he carefully landed the A320 in the Hudson

I don't like when people cite their "years of experience" to prove that they know they can NOT get something done. Use it to show that you can.

 

Goofus: I've been working here 25 years so I know that's not possible.

Gallant: Let's use what I've learned over the past 25 years to make this happen!

I love the guy, but even I can't take this kind of framing.

From cnn.com.

Today I found out my breasts are dense.

Apparently this isn't bad or good. Though it may explain some of the poor decisions they made in their earlier years.

(File under Medical Tests of your 40's.)

I bet there's not one person in America who reads both these magazines.

Cannabis Culture

Watch Time

If you want something done NOW, ask a 9 year old.

Mine just ran down the stairs and through the house naked and dripping wet to say he was happy the new shampoo was not tested on animals.

I think second marriages are often successful because people in them understand that it could end.

I try to remember that the first time around.

Cpt. Sullenberger did so much more than save the lives of the 155 people aboard Flight 1549.

He also gave hope in the last minutes to the untold travelers who will die in plane crashes in the future.

Getting this country back on track, step one: Fire the lazy.

I just ate soybeans that were made to look and taste like a burger.

Nobody ever makes beef look and taste like a soybean.

I know I haven't been posting as often. When I don't have anything to say, I just don't say it.

Just one more way I'm trying to live my life in direct contrast to the philosophy of 24 hour news channels.

I spend hours and hours and hours and hours worrying about things that never end up happening.

I think it's working.

I love to be on super super super empty flights.

You never hear, "A United Airlines 757 went down today. There were 11 people on board."

You're not going to believe what happened to me on the plane.

For those of you who read regularly, you know how I feel about airplane bathrooms. 

Well, on this airplane, the light was not connected to the lock. (I did not realize this until it was too late.) As I started my business I was actually thinking about how I could feel confidence in the lock because the light was on when low and behold the door opens! Suffice it to say, my dignity was not shielded by darkness. And I worried about that plane's engines for the rest of the flight.

I may have lost a laptop, but I gained some insight.

State Police are a lot nicer when you're 41 and looking for a missing laptop at Logan Airport than they are when you're 21 and peeing on someone else's patio at 3am.

No, Aunt Pat. That never happened.

Tomorrow I'll get up early to drink DietCoke, eat chips, lose stuff, skip church, forget your birthday, swear and talk on the phone while I drive.

I want the resolution monkey off my back by noon.

I wonder how good you have to be for Santa to clean the house while he's at it.

TSBITW wishes you all a very Merry Christmas!!!!!

Todays guest poster: Andrea Gavin!! Andrea writes:

It's official. The decorative wine bag is the new fruit cake.

Want to guest post? Add your insight, quip or anecdote in the comments section.

I feel sad when I see houses with balconies that are impossible to get to.

Everyday those people come home to unattainable dreams staring them right in the face.

I recently realized that about 20% of my traffic comes from random Google searches.

Botox. Viagra. Gay porn. How to grow my marijuana. George Bush shoe.

In most of my important relationships there has been a moment when I realized, "Hey, we've become good friends."

Unfortunately my next thought is almost always, "I wonder if I'll be at his/her funeral or he/she will be at mine."

One in three toys is toxic?

After reading this, I decided I would no longer tell my son to stop picking his nose. It just might be the safest place to put his fingers.

Gas prices have fallen from $4.11 to $1.56 in 77 days.

Obama might not be The Savior, but I'm now pretty sure God is a Democrat.

Last night my 2 boys joined the universe of males who have shared the same moment of joy: they learned the flush toilet was invented by Thomas Crapper

I promise you it was better than Christmas morning.

At this point I don't think it's even possible to be ahead of the curve.

I want to understand exactly where the $800 billion for the bailout came from.

I asked someone and they said it came from me. This makes me nervous. I imagine filling out my tax form in April.

44. Take the amount from line 43 and add $800,000,000,000...........................................______________

As the economy gets worse, I see more people getting better at understanding the plight of those in need.

empathy  (noun):

identifying oneself with an object or another person

I think Oprah might actually be controlling the universe. I'm glad I'm on her good side.

I'm all hopped up on Zumba this morning!

Zumba is an aerobics class in which I basically flail around and try to shake my extra body parts as much as possible. As opposed to other aerobics classes where I flail around and try not to let that happen.

The moment I realize somebody is lying to me, I feel completely exhausted for them.

When my Netflix disc has fingerprints on it, I can't stop thinking about who they belong to and whether that person liked the movie.

I usually end up missing the first 10 minutes of the movie.

Over the next few years

I hope conservative minds will realize and liberal minds will remember that disagreeing with the leadership of your country does not mean you do not love your country. In fact, sometimes it means you love your country even more.

Yes, we can.

But we've only started. Remember, we means me and you.

The future of this country will not be decided by who wins tomorrow, but by who votes tomorrow.

The world is in turmoil. Tomorrow we will send a message around the globe. It will either be, "Whatever" or "We're on it."

I don't care who you are voting for, just VOTE! We are way, way better than 57%.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." - Marianne Williamson

I am 41. And sometimes I wonder what age I will be when I stop thinking it's funny when someone's last name is "Wiener."

My apologies, Mr. Wiener.

That's it. I'm officially changing LOL to HAHAHA.

And, henceforth, ROFL will be known as HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

And if you are laughing so hard you can't even control your muscles, thats: ALSFJAILWHFGA;IDHF;ADSIGALJGOUJFV;GABSDZ. ALIHFOAW GY8W .

As the credit crisis intensifies, filled-to-the-rim storage facilities mock us as we drive by.

What if 5% of the population can read minds but they're just not telling us?

The Economy has become the Britney Spears of 2008.

Oh, what will it do next???

If our taxdollars are buying major equity in the country's largest financial institutions, does that make us "the man"?

Stogies, all around!

While doing research to find the safest possible place to put my money, I decided to invest it all in chart making companies.

Not sure what to do about the economy? Experts say, "Touch your face."

I like to talk to people who say, "Imagine that."

They are far more likely to offer me pie than they are to steal my wallet.

The treadmill at the gym told me to stop if I feel short of breath.

?